Day 5

Today if have mostly been driving in Staffordshire – all of it. A much better day for us both with no major problems (well one for me) and no guidance from our instructor unless he saw us getting into danger or making mistakes that could be critical in the test.

A warmer but grey, windy day today. As I was first today. I made a big difference by sorting out the seat better for me and getting the air ventilation more comfortable. Significantly, no-one opened windows (as they have done in all weathers so far). Small things but they make a difference.

Dave showed us copies of the examiner's score sheet first-off and how they mark Minors and Serious (faults). You are allowed up to 16 minors but one Serious and you are in the bin. There is even a column for Dangerous (reserved for the Poles and Romanians but that is a whole chapter in itself too). By the way there are no left-liberal neo-Marxist truck drivers - none – take note Harriet Harperson.

So out of the yard I go to the A34 and this time south through Newcastle and down to the A500 at the southern end. I feel at one with this truck now and the fact that Dave isn't nagging and indeed is yapping on about everything and anything means he is relaxed.

Onto the A500 for a short stretch and then the A50 east towards Uttoxeter, then off at the Longton exit. This is all test-route stuff but the "Potteries" version of it as opposed to the Stafford-based routes. Lots of town-driving with roundabouts, traffic light junctions including a few "Park in a safe place" and hill-starts before heading on down the A5005/A520 to Stone (again!). There is a very tight junction at Rough Close near to Meir Heath that I have driven north-bound several times but not south. And it has outrageously tight bollards and kerbs on a mini-roundabout and I am still in car mode and letting the nasty white circles draw me into their trap. I have to ignore the bloody things and drive straight over them. I didn't and kerbed it badly. Bother!

And then on down "Death Valley" at Kibblestone. Got the speed and approach (sixth) for the Cliff Face on the hairpin just right and wanted to panic when I met a coach right on the worst part, but didn't. "Spot on, away you go" says Dave (meaning you're clear, accelerate). Praise indeed!

Then into Stone yet again without problems and to the infamous Walton roundabout (More people fail here on Observation than …..). A couple more laps of Stone and its variations then out to the Test Centre and Jackie's café for a brew. Got the tight right-hander and roundabout at Norton Bridge (fifth) OK (ish). "Look at your bloody line; you're over the double whites".

We get to our familiar café now (10:45) and Dave doesn't even say anything; he just expects us to turn the truck around and reverse it into a suitable place. What was all the fuss about?

Then with Andy in the seat we are off the Stafford again through Eccleshall but this time Dave gives me an examiner's sheet and asks me to mark Andy on missed mirror occasions. I want to be kind and I even don't spot some myself (so I get a gentle dig on my knee from Dave (meaning mark him down for that one). Both of us (Andy and I) have sore necks from this and still are being criticised for not-enough use! Before you signal, change speed (up or down), pass any hazard (especially pedestrians), oncoming trucks, change lanes, move off, open the cab doors, when you stop, before traffic lights….As both Andy and I say, just build on the paranoia and look in them when you do or don’t do anything. In other words always apart from looking where you are going, road sign routes and everything else.

I got Andy for about 6 in 30 minutes, all on not checking when slowing for a hazard. And I am sympathetic as I know I do the same. Once you see a line of traffic stopped or a parked car or van you have enough to worry about. But we must check them before we brake.

After another "Park in a safe place" I am back in the seat and get 7 mirror infringements in 30 minutes (marked by Andy). Again on braking for hazards but a couple on accelerating too. (I am so enjoying that engine-driver's turbo-whine and the power trip that I forget). So finally Dave says "Right, well I have made my point about mirrors: if you come back after an otherwise perfect drive and say you failed on mirrors then don't blame me!". Understood Dave.

I drive back to the café for a late lunch. Dave had asked if there was any particular junction we wanted to do and I volunteered one that I did on my first day last Friday of the A519. A very tight left-hand hairpin with confusing road markings. So we left the A34 for the A51 Nantwich road and I got round it (just about OK). Still tending to roll back a little on hill starts but I think I am being too gentle with it. "Never mind wear on the clutch. Get it to bite, hold it there and throw that air brake straight off."

Andy's in the seat after lunch and we head a different way through Eccleshall and back towards Stone then on down to Stafford, though this time we only touch the town before heading back out on the Sandon road and the Dog and Doublet again. This is long stretches of 40 or 50mph "A" road and the way the 'turns' had worked out he hadn't done this bit whereas I have several times. Lots of long down-hill "banks" where the truck will run away with you far too easily. I have the exhaust brake mastered now (great piece of kit) that takes so much the hassle of speed-control away.

Back up to Longton, Blurton Road and Trentham Road, down the A34 again to a lay-by and a change over again. Then I'm off around Stone for the (how many times now?) and another change to Andy who does it all again. There's very little comment from Dave at all and we are both feeling like drivers. And yes, I think we can both drive this thing to the required standard now though it only takes one mistake.

We often meet other HGV training companies on the same routes and Dave (knows them all) gives them a wave. But we reserve special greetings for our own brand. The vans are mostly owner-driver franchised outfits and the vans don't work out of our depot as it is a trunking hub. But we always get a cheery wave from any one of our trucks or vans.

Yesterday we met a one of our artics on test (and a lady driver). Dave knows her and her hubby well. Passed her C about 5 weeks ago. He told us today she failed on Observation (bloody roundabouts again – thought it was clear but caused another vehicle to change speed or direction). Dave's words ring in my ears: "If you are at all in doubt, don't go; we are either going or we're not. Dither and he'll do you for Undue Hesitation. Go and cause another vehicle to slow or alter course and he will do you for Observation." So no pressure their then!

We finally swap again and I get the home run, up the A34 and A500. Well you all know the route now so you can do it! And as the barrier goes up at the depot, Dave guides me to where I parked it last night, asks me to square up for a reverse, jumps out to be my "banksman" and I reverse the Volvo into a space with 12" on one side (tractor unit) and maybe 24" on the other. No problem.

"Right lads, tomorrow we are up to the Vale for some more reversing and a braking exercise then we are doing mock tests for the rest of the day. Then you are on Neil at 10:30am Monday; I will take you there in the truck and Andy, you will have to find your own way there (Test Centre) for 1:30pm and we will get Neil a lift back with someone".

How do I feel? Much, much better than last night and maybe I think I have a chance but know it only takes one fatal mistake. And if I do? What the hell – I'm going to do this so we shall book a retest and do it again.

Day 4

Today was my bad-hair day - hopefully.

As Dave said "It's almost universal: you get a lad (Ha!) who is progressing nicely and then it all goes to rat-shit for no good reason. So let's hope that this was yours today. Now let's go for some snap and a brew – and a brandy"!

Was it over-confidence, or the fact that Dave has stopped spoon-feeding us and we now have to make our own judgements and decisions? Or just a day I should have spent under the duvet.

Actually, when I reflect on it I drove miles and miles and negotiated lots of our worst junctions and hazards impeccably. But not all of them and that's the problem. Oh this is so hard at times; I will never take anyone driving a truck for granted again.

As I turned the headlights off on the L200 on the way into Stoke this morning through Cheshire, the sky was blue and bright sunshine though the temperature never got above 0c. Within half a mile of my exit off the A500 (Talke roundabout) I entered dense fog, that has stayed with us all day and the information panel on the Volvo showed a "Freezing" warning all day too.

Met Andy in the canteen and had a chat with him about how we both felt it was going. By 9:10am no sign of our instructor but then remembered we had lost a few of the orange side-lights on the crash-bars at the end of yesterday so he had been changing bulbs.

Off to the yard and the yellow-and-black board was down again, so we each did a couple of reverse-and-stop moves. Sorted – no problem!

Then Andy's first today (taken in turn), so off we head in the fog to Vale Park FC to practise the reversing again. In through Gate C though this time we are in a different (flatter) part of the car park. Out come the cones again but this time, it is a full replica of what we will have at the Swynnerton Test Centre. We each do this a couple of times, then pack up the kit.

Then off through Longton and the now-familiar A520 towards Stone through "Death Valley" and the awful hairpin by the "cliff-face" opposite Kibblestone Park (Scout or Cub camp apparently).

Andy takes us through every combination of Stone and its one-way system and then finally pulls up in "A safe place to park" and we change drivers. Maybe it was over-confidence or the fact that I was too relaxed after a successful bit of reversing early-on and a long spell on the bunk behind the action.

Within the first half mile I drove right into his planned elephant trap. The roundabout where we join the A34 south again and because it's big and wide I'm thinking fifth, but at the last minute recognised the BP garage on the junction and therefore the hugely-tight left-hander. Crunched into fourth (needs a range-change) and kerbed it. Oh bother!!

Brooding with myself, up to 50mph now on the A34. (Oh the railway engine-driver bit comes out with me now on the fast stretches when you floor the loud pedal on this. The turbo-whine kicks in and the feeling of so much raw BHP is a huge lift. Oh to have this 7-litre 250BHP diesel in my boat!!)

Then back to our much-feared roundabout and left into Stone again. "More people fail on Observation on this roundabout than any other. Nasty bugger. Very fast. Three-lanes coming in from the A34 in both directions. They’ve built a bloody bank on it with bushes to make it look pretty so you can't see f**k-all. Now WATCH it Neil. If you're not 110% sure don’t go".

It feels like an eternity ("Undue Hesitation") but finally we go. Round the one-way system again (no-problems) and back over the canal where I met the Argos artic yesterday and back to the BP garage and the tight left-hander. This time I claimed all of the truck's horrendous road-tax contribution and took a wide sweep at it in fourth. He even said "Perfect mate!" And believe me, that is praise from him!

Another lap of Stone then the nasty left at the lights "Mind the scaffolding – and the Mum with he pram – and the buzz" (bus).

And then on the long run to Stafford - cruise control on (and exhaust brake down the banks) that I always seem to get down the A51 to the Dog and Doublet (now known as Neil's pub because of the junction off the A51 next to it. When, not if I pass, I am going for a drink and a meal in that bloody place!!)

And then to the suburbs of Stafford once again. This place will be in my mind for the rest of my life. Dreadful right-handers managed with ease: (Off the power, slow, gentle, now get in your lane, now – over you go. Now wait. Wait! Look into the junction. Can we go?).

And once more through Stafford but his time I'm on my own. "Follow the signs for Telford". Me "Oh shit, you mean navigate and drive this bloody thing at the same time?"

First bad-hair moment: wrong line at the Cannock/Uttoxeter roundabout. Where the f**k am I?? No problem around Jail Square and the Station. Got the nasty left-hander "Fourth Neil, dead slow, right over to the bollards. Watch that Buzz!"

Then got onto the three-lane bit (40mph limit) and we know we have to show "progress" when safe to do so. Up comes the turbo-whine and the surge of power – and a Number 36 buzz too close to me. "Too f***ing fast mate, you nearly hit him". Oh, I can't win here!

Then out of Crab Lane (a new-route side road off a housing estate that joins a fast dual-carriageway). I pull out perfectly in third, clear the kerb, and completely revert to "Rep" driving as Dave calls it. I steer one-handed with my right-hand while indicating with my left and changing from third to fifth also with my left hand and as Dave said later, "Whilst also w***ing with your left hand and on your mobile phone and eating a sandwich with your right. Consider yourself totally bollocked". I did. Half a mile later, he says "Next left at this roundabout" so I got my speed, gears and position perfect, indicated left and drove straight on.

"Look Dave I'll go home now if you want".

"Not a chance. Keep going but don't do it again".

And with that we were out into the countryside again and the Raleigh Estate. Turned the Volvo off, locked the cab and into Jackie's for a brew and something to eat.

Then Andy's turn through Stafford – without instructor prompting. And he was better than me, all round. No pressure then! Though he did kerb it badly on the inward run, so nothing is certain yet. I think he did every variation then it was my turn again and I was determined not to screw-up this time. And I didn't.

"A lot bloody better" says Dave. Then back up the A51 with the cruise control on and past the Dog and Doublet (Neil's pub) and into Stone one-more time. A line of parked cars on our left (we give way), but no sign of any on-coming traffic, so out I go (hold you position) and I get past six or seven of them and by now there are a few coming the other way. I'm vaguely conscious of a gap in the parked cars on my left but also of the "Don't duck and weave-in-and-out; hold your position" statement so I do. But end up forcing them to give way.

"There was good gap on the left there. You should have gone into it and let them through." Known as a "Meet Approach" = Serious = Fail. Oh this is hard, so hard (most) of the time.

Then to the A34 and the Trentham roundabout. Very good entering, speed, position, gears, lanes perfect, but then there's no bloody lines painted and I don't know where I am and get another bollocking for "lane control". Bad hair-day but I will not be beaten. Drove the Volvo up the A500 to Talke, A34 south and into our yard. Knackered and tail down a bit.

If this was your usual commercial school, my test would be tomorrow and I would not be confident at all. As we are I have two more days and maybe an hour before my test on Monday.

Tomorrow is no prompts whatsoever from Dave (watch the news for truck accidents in Staffordshire) and mock tests on Friday. Oh joy.

Mind how you go and 'night all.

Neil.

Day 3

Is it already? Am I tired! 190 kms today and 180 kms yesterday and nearly all urban or town driving with the odd long-haul "A" road between towns. We know when we are homeward-bound as we end up north on the A34 onto the A500 and join our big brothers (artics) all hammering up the A500 at 90 km/h on their limiters. Cos we have L plates on and have to be squeaky-clean we stick to 80 km/h.

Another very good day today with lots on new stuff followed by more and more of what we must get right: the Stafford ring road/one-way system and the God-awfully narrow streets of Stone. The width and positioning, I now don't need to think about but still have to judge how much lane to "pinch" to clear tight bends and roundabouts. When I close my eyes at night now, all I see are left and right images in the truck mirrors of kerbs and white lines.

"Come on, come out more, pinch some more of that lane, move out, move out or you'll have all them bloody railings stuck on the back of us. Straddle the lanes and stop the buggers from coming up behind you or you won't get round".

Town centre railings are a great idea for pedestrians but our nightmare. That and sticky-out traffic lights and road signs. And of course chav lads in their Burberry baseball caps who walk on the road outside of the railings! Well as Dave says if you can get a few of those under the rear wheels without the examiner noticing, then do so!

And I have become totally paranoid about pensioners on Motability pavement buggies. They drive them to within an inch of a kerb on a very tight corner and I am trying to get 35 feet and 18 tonnes of steel and rubber round here Grandad and don't want to take you with me. That and chav Mums with babies in push-chairs that they do push out in the gap in the railings. And at times I might have to judge less than 6 inches either side of me just using mirrors. And shift gears, range-change, and permanently scanning mirrors each side is giving me a nice nervous tic that I didn't want!

Today was mostly drier and sunny. Met my team in the canteen and our first task was to work out where the back-end is on a reverse. For the test you have to do a simulated reverse onto a loading bay and apart from the direction and positioning, we need to know when to stop. You have to get the back end of the truck onto and 18-inch wide yellow-and-black floor marking. Hit the barrier and you fail; stop short so you do; you are allowed one GOAL (get-out-and-look).

In a quiet corner of the yard, Dave had laid a plywood board painted yellow with black lines and placed under the arse-end of our Volvo with the crash-bar at the back just in the middle of the black hash-markings. He then asked us to get in the cab, sort our seat-height out and look for a mark on the rear mud-flaps in relationship to the board. We then each had to run forward for a few yards and reverse toward the board and stop within 18 inches. We each did this three times and had no real problems.

So with that, as I am first today, I fill in a tacho disc and off we go. Out of the depot, right up the A34 to the Talke roundabout, A500 east then off at the Tunstall exit, up the new Tunstall bypass (I particularly like my seventh-to-fifth gear change on this as it's uphill and I don't have to brake so can just nicely match the engine revs and glide - rather than crunch into gear on the roundabouts). Then to Vale Park (Port Vale FC) Stadium and car park Gate C.

"Now it's f***ing tight getting in here so watch it. And there's always cars parked opposite the entrance". It is and there was. And just as I was committed a car came out of the exit from nowhere and blocked me and sat and looked at me like a rabbit in the headlights (we are not allowed to 'flash' anyone or anything until we pass our test!). Traffic appeared in both directions and a pair of pensioners suddenly appeared under my cab door and walked around the front of the truck. Stress!

Then we opened the cargo bit at the back of the truck and helped Dave lay out a load of cones in the empty Vale Park car park. This is to simulate the test-centre reversing test. I will post a diagram later. Long story short: I was first and it's a doddle though the real problems start later with the C+E Class 1 and artics.

Here's Andy nicely tucked into the loading bay.

We both do this three times and Dave seems well-happy with us. Then we load up all the cones and open the cargo doors at the back to stow the kit and I notice a full, pink-reddish three-piece suite in the back?! "Ah, yes. That's been there for about two years now. It's a long story, but I will tell you one day" says Dave??

Then I'm driving again and we are off to do some "very tight stuff"! I have no idea where I am but apparently it is kind-of Burslem and Wolstanton (suburbs of Stoke) and a Council Estate. And tight is no joke. Lots of outrageous left turns into side streets with cars parked on both sides.

"Right, hold your position. See into the junction. Can we go? Take all the road, mind that car. Mirrors left and right". We are clearing cars by inches on both sides. Then typical estate roundabouts that you couldn't get a Ford Ka round let-alone this thing. "Well if you end up working for some arsehole outfit like Argos, this is what you will have to deliver to". Oh great!

Finally a few "Pull up on and park when it is safe" back on the main-ish roads and lots of hill-starts then Andy has to go and does all the Council Estate again!

We finally head down the A34 again (becoming very familiar) …..

….and into Stone town centre. Andy hasn't driven this yet after my severe out-take with the Motability pensioner. Oh and I didn't mention meeting an artic on his test (Argos driver) on the hump-backed bridge one-vehicle-at-a-time over the canal, but that's a whole story in itself.

At least three or four variations (laps) of this God-awful town-centre (and yes they take ARTICS(!!) through the same route – oh what joy to follow!).

Then back out into the country west towards Eccleshall – the vicious, tight right-hand bridge "Get your speed off, gentle, gentle, into fifth, look over the bushes to your right. What have we got"? (Err – bushes Dave). "Anything big?" And then the immediate and tiny roundabout and on down the horrendously bumpy road surface, past the Test Centre to our friendly ladies at Raleigh Hall and a bacon butty, mug of tea, and a read of the paper.

The whole mood in the cab has changed now; it is as if we have been accepted (well, trusted) as capable drivers. There's lot's of chat and banter and only the occasional prompt from Dave.

Lunch done I've got the keys. Then it's Stafford town centre again for all afternoon.

I got one "Observation": "He'd have binned you for that (examiner) – you caused that pratt in the Peugeot to slow avoid you."

"Well he indicated the wrong way Dave!"

"I know mate, but there's no fairness in this. Observation: a Serious = Fail" Bollocks!!

Then Andy did it all again in the rain……Oh dear this looks tight!! "Mind your bloody speed, hold back, hold back! Into fourth"!.....

Here we are, yet again in down-town Stafford…..

Take all the room you need….

Well finally head back out of Stafford and to the village of Eccleshall again. (nasty tight B road with loads of trucks oncoming) and some tight minis in the village. Over the M6 bridge and hang a left into Tittensor then left on the A34. Andy pulls into a lay-by and we swap one more time so I get the "home run".

This is just us a as a group driving home and it is Dave's trust in us that makes the day complete. No instruction (unless we get into a crisis). We chat and banter about all and everything. Merge onto the A500 north and I feel I am one of the clan: in with the Asdas, Stobarts, Sainsburys and all the big artics and Dave doesn't say a word; I am taking us home.

The orange light comes on the speedo dial (Uh oh – over 80 km/h) so ease off the gas a bit. Without being told, I exit on the A34 south, then and into our yard, through the barrier and park up behind some Axor (Merc) artic tractor units.

Take my tacho disk out and complete it (final kms - 190 today - and final destination). Turn the lights and the engine off, thank Dave and fix the start time for tomorrow.

Take care,

Neil

Day 2

What a learning curve! I have learnt so much today that I struggle to remember what I didn't know before (or what I've learnt). Sorry for the odd logic but the brain has totally gone now (6:55pm) and I see a very early night coming on.

But the quick summary is: a fantastic learning day and how much both I and my co-trainee Andy have come on since Friday. I feel at home in the thing now and parts of the driving are becoming sub-conscious, just as we all drive our cars.

A bleak, grey, wet day today, with rain all day and the headlights on the truck from start until finish.

Not wanting to repeat my lack of journey-planning I was away from home at 7:30am and parked up at the depot for 8:25am. Into the drivers' canteen and no sign of any of my group other than a driver on his own looking nervous and glum. We exchanged a quick "How do?" and that was it. I guessed (later confirmed) that he was one of the Class 1 (artic) lads who had his test today and reflected that this will be me next Monday! After about ten minutes he set out to leave and I wished him good luck. I later (sadly) found out that he failed – took three shunts (only 2 allowed) on his reverse.

Finally Andy rolls in and we chat about our thoughts from Friday and our fears for today. Our instructor on Friday had said that Dave (our instructor from now up to the test) was a superb trainer, but to be aware that he suffers from Tourette's syndrome and if he does start on us, we must not take it personally. Oh dear, another Colin?

At about 9:00am a tall, grey-haired man enters wearing a smart hi-viz Motorway jacket and greats us both. This is Dave. He hands us some photo-copies of the Show Me and Tell Me questions that will be asked by the examiner. These are things like: "Show me how you would check the oil level" or coolant, windscreen washer, tyre pressures, how to secure a load, and many other routine vehicle checks.

With that we mooch out into the rain and gloom of a Monday morning in Stoke to our trusty FM7. I've now noticed that it's an 01 plate 250BHP and when empty and you get the turbo wound up, pulls like a train.

Dave shows us how to check the levels: dipstick and oil filler cap, coolant level marks, windscreen washer filler locations and lube fluid for the brake actuators (all behind the hinge-up front grill) apart from the washer fluid which is in the nearside cab door-well.

"Who's first then?" says Dave. Andy and I look at each other and shrug. "OK, who went first on Friday?" So I indicate that I did so Andy gets the short straw. I get the high seat this time (Dave is at least 6' 3") and have a slightly cricked neck from trying to see under the lockers above the windscreen to see what's going on.

Up in the cab, he gives us a lesson on filling out and fitting the paper tachograph chart. We don't need them legally as we are exempt as a training vehicle, but as he says it is good practise. Newer vehicles from 2006 onwards have digital tachographs that require the driver to have a "Smart Card". I applied and have one (£38 – be optimistic and prepared!). Once Andy has filled his in (start location, date, start mileage, vehicle registration etc) we flash up the diesel and off we go.

Andy must have sent his twin brother as he is driving like a regular professional now, though still a bit too fast into hazards and junctions. We go south down the A34 towards Stoke city centre then off left into Hanley and across to the A50.

Dave is a superb instructor and is giving us so much more guidance on gears, speed and positioning. I really think that the huge advance we both made today is down to him, coupled with the advancing familiarity and hence confidence. No kerbs, stalls (well, one of mine but that doesn't count), or kangaroo or roll-back hill starts.

I lost track of where we where but eventually recognised the A500-A50 interchange and we headed east on the A50 to the Longton exit. I knew we were on a test route now (and have been all day thereafter). In the Stoke suburbs we practised lots of hill-starts and "Find a safe place to park and pull in when you can" (Examiner-speak). This means you have to judge a suitable part of the road to pull in and stop. The manoeuvre is easy enough but that hard part is working out all the no-nos: Bus Stops, schools, junctions, parked vehicles etc etc.

On a final, very steep hill-start Dave says "Right, change over" Oh great! My first drive of the day and a hill-start! But it's sorted now thanks to him. I had been trying to let the hand air-brake off progressively while matching the revs and clutch bite, hence how both of us had be either rolling back or kangaroo-starting. "Get your revs right, bring the clutch up till you feel the cab lean a little (I can see the rev-counter dip), then let the handbrake go in one - right off and out of the way - and hold it on the clutch". Ah! Perfection; works like a dream!

So off I roll out of the suburbs, heading southwest towards Stone down the A520. I am enjoying this despite the rain and gloom. I've got my road position right now, don't flinch with oncoming artics and generally feel far more in control now. We enter the infamous river valley where I badly kerbed her on Friday but he is spot on. "Take your space, pinch some white line, off the power (oncoming artic) and take it easy" Wow, through this horrendous valley meeting lots of trucks coming the other way and no kerbs!

And then into Stone one-way system and all very tight, but all in control. Totally sussed the gearbox now and feel relaxed and in control, though the concentration level is still immense. I'm block-changing fourth-to-sixth when conditions suit and how much easier that makes it all. Left off the one-way system on "B" roads heading for Stafford (haven't been this way before, but a test route). Hugely narrow in places but Dave is giving me all the points to check for "anything big" coming the other way. (This is how it maps out: cars and vans are just a permanent pain in the arse, but it's our equivalents and Buzzes (Dave's local twang for a Bus - like "bank" for a hill) coming the other way that cause the problems).

Back on the "A" roads he teaches me to use the Exhaust Brake* on long –runs down banks (hills) to avoid having to brake all the time and encourages me to use the cruise-control on long stretches of 40 or 50mph sections to avoid drifting over the speed limits.

We are in the suburbs of Stafford now and some ridiculously-tight junctions and traffic lights with bollards. "I'll never get this through there!" says I"!. "Yes you will – hold your position – take the entire road – if there is oncoming traffic, wait. Right over you go, right to the opposite kerb. Mind you nearside! Mirrors!"

Dave is superb and has really cracked our problems. Whereas in a car you just charge up to a junction, brake hard, shift a gear or two and keep going, it's very, very different in a truck.

"Get you speed down, gently, gently, down, down, that's it. Now is it a closed or open junction*? Get into sixth if it's open or fourth if it's not. Right, before we get there what can we see? Look over the bridge/hedge/under the traffic signs. What's coming a way off so we have a clue before we get there? One thing at a time: get your positioning right, don't worry about gears. OK. Now get the right gear. Now just think about your steering (through the junction) and we will worry about changing up next". Brilliant tips!

I finally park next to the familiar café at the Raleigh Hall Estate (11:30am) and in we go for a brew. Jackie and her assistant (daughter?) seem old friends already.

Then Andy's back in the hot seat and off we go through the village of Eccleshall and some really narrow country roads to Stafford and what will be the rest of the day: the one-way/ring-road system in Stafford and all it's permutations. Tiredness and the amount of learning and detail here mean that I can't do this section justice as there is so much to recount. Suffice to say that we both got through it well (I stalled her at a set of lights but recovered well. Verdict: he would not fail you for that; you were in control of the vehicle and recovered well).

We both did at least two or three "laps" of Stafford and its ring-road(s) before I took us back to our café at Raleigh for a 1:30pm lunch break. And finally, after another lap of Stafford I headed on up the A51 and A34 – eighth gear, cruise control on, exhaust brake on the long down-hill sections and remembered the awful reverse-camber left-hander by the Seven Stars pub. A final change-over on a roadside stop somewhere, and Andy took as back up the A500 and A34 to the depot for a 4:30pm finish. A final de-brief from Dave which is: "You two have got it together for sure and I recommend you go for your C+E (Class 1) straight away once you pass on Monday" (!)

Oh, and my test is 10:30am Monday and Andy's is 1:30pm (Oh hell!!)

Tomorrow is all reversing and braking exercises (Port Vale football ground car park) and the rest of the week is more of the same and mock tests on Friday. And do you know – I'm not that frightened any more!

Oh and the Tourette's? Over lunch Dave says "I bet your instructor on Friday has been winding you up?" We say "Err – well yes – a bit". And he groans and says "He tells you I have Tourette's"? "Err –umm- yes actually". He honestly looks hurt and says "Look, this is the other part of trucking: there is an awful lot of p*ss-taking"! I can only say I have never met a more calm, clear and hugely helpful bloke for a long time. All my kerb problems, gear crunches and kangaroo starts have disappeared.

More soon,

Neil

*Exhaust Brake – one of a number of retarding systems fitted to trucks and buses that supplement the normal brake systems especially on long down-hill runs. In simple terms: when your foot is not on the accelerator a truck engine acts like a compressor, so if you close off the exhaust system with a valve, you get loads of engine-braking effort to help slow the vehicle.

*Closed and Open junctions – Closed: buildings either side so can't see f**k-all until you stick your nose out. Open – loads of visibility long before you get to the line.

Day 1

Out of the house for 8:00am for an 8:45am start at the depot and straight away realised that I had forgotten to add time in for the queuing traffic on the A500-M6-J16 (Barthomley) roundabout so nearly turned up late on my first day. A misty and wet Friday morning that made Stoke look even bleaker than it is, if that is possible.

Heading for the driver's canteen as arranged when I meet a driver in the mandatory uniform of black truckers' keks, fleece and hi-viz waistcoat. "You here for the Class 2* training?" he says. I indicate that I am and he says "Follow me" and so I do.

We end up in the Transport Office which is buzzing with drivers and staff. My host is in fact the Training Manager, whom I had spoken to over the phone several times in setting up the course. A likeable and smiley man I guess in his late fifties.

One of the characters looks as out-of-place as I feel, a lad in his late twenties, with a near-zero hair cut, multiple earrings and looking like he has never seen any sun in his life. But then this is Stoke-on-Trent. This is Andy who is to be my fellow trainee for the course. Most driver training is done 2-to-1 both for efficiency for the instructors, but also 7 or 8 hours of driving per day, even with breaks is too much for your average trainee to take in. So we take turns throughout the day driving for about and hour each, then changing over.

We chat about our motives for enforced career changes: Andy has been laid off from the factory where he worked manufacturing kitchens. Our instructor for the course can't be with us for this first day as he has to complete a couple of Class 1* trainees whose tests were cancelled due to the icy weather earlier in the week.

I breathe a sigh of relief as there is no sign of Colin, the instructor who took me for my initial assessment drive. Colin was fine technically but had the personality of a cold fish and a snappy temper when things went wrong. Which in the early parts of LGV/HGV* instruction is often!

We do the formalities of licence checks and photocopies then our host hands us each a new hi-viz waistcoat and says "Follow me".

There just off the fuelling bay is our home for the next-coming seven days. A Volvo FM7 18-ton Curtainsider, all in white. The engine is running to warm the cab through. This is the same but slightly newer model of the one I drove for the assessment, but the controls are all the same.

"Right, who's first?" says Mark. Andy and I look at each other. He has gone even whiter than his normal shade. I am about to say "I don't mind either way" but before I do he makes a dash for the passenger door. I had told him that I had had a 1-hour assessment drive (which is standard practise) but for some reason, he hadn't and had never driven anything bigger than a car.

So up I go, adjust the air-sprung seat and steering column, sort my mirrors out and familiarise myself with the dash, switches and stalks. All I really need at this stage is the green band on the rev-counter, indicators and wiper controls. Oh and of course there is that infamous gear lever with its range-change switch and splitter* switch. We won’t be using the latter for the course and the test, but believe me, the range-change alone is enough to completely shred the brain in a tight decision on a junction or roundabout.

Mark takes the middle seat that has been added to the bunk base behind the two front seats. This is a mod for training vehicles as only two seats are standard, so he is sat almost on my shoulder, his head touching the cab roof and feet on the engine box between driver and passenger.

Mark offers me the option of a circuit of the depot and I take it. Into second gear, mirrors, blind-spot check and off we go. Block-change (skipping a gear) to fourth, pick up speed, mind the manoeuvring shunter*, range-change switch up to High with its characteristic 'pop' of air (like opening a beer can) and into fifth (where first would be on a car). When I say High, we are now doing 15 mph which is the site speed limit. Once around the depot then out of the gate and onto the roads.

It's remarkable that after that first, frenetic assessment drive over two months ago now, it feels familiar and comfortable. First big roundabout on the A34 and I manage to handle the gear changes without problems and avoid the kerbs. Up the A34 north and left onto the A500 and off we head in the Chester and Nantwich direction. Up to 50 mph (the limit for dual carriageways) except that all truck speedo's are in KMs/hour not MPH but I can just see the tiny 50 mark on the inner circle of the clock but go for the 80 km mark as it's easier to see.

Across the M6 at Junction 16 and hey – I am liking this! I feel in control, my road positioning is OK and I've finally sussed the gearbox. We turn off the A500 at the Crewe roundabout and follow the old main road through Shavington towards Nantwich. Several sets of road works and tight coned-off lanes but I negotiate them all without incident. Then left at Nantwich and on down the A51. This is a typical single carriageway "A" road (40 mph limit for us) and I always thought it was quite wide. But every now and then the branches of bushes and small trees are hitting the side of the truck though Mark doesn't comment. I check my mirrors and I'm maybe six inches only from the kerb but right on the white line on my side. This is tight, and the concentration level required is enormous to keep the vehicle in these limits and look for hazards and road signs and to react accordingly. There's little conversation as we all know how demanding it is. On the straighter or wider stretches Mark chats with Andy about his plans and past jobs. I just get the navigation instructions: "At the next roundabout we're going to turn right, that's the third exit". "Understood" says I and no more.

It feels I've been driving for ages but I daren't glance at my watch. I know the A51 as it is a good option from Junction 15 of the M6 when it is bunged up northbound. Which is any evening of the week and without fail on Fridays. Mark asks me to pull in at the next convenient lay-bay but of course we roll on for mile after mile and there is no lay-by. "I know where we will go" says Mark, "Take a right at the next roundabout". This is the A519 towards Eccleshall and I know from my recce driving in the car that we are near the Test Centre where it will all start to happen in just over a week's time.

"Now take this next left hand junction but watch it – it is very tight. Get your speed down, no, down more, slower". I've changed down to fifth (from eighth) but I should be in third or fourth and that means a range-change again. I've cut the turn far too tight (a very tight hairpin junction that bends back on its self) and the rear wheels are going to mount the kerb so I stop. There's a car behind me – far too close – if only he knew!

"Handbrake on. Right, you'll have to head to your right and right across to the opposite kerb before you turn again. Do so when it is safe".

I get the truck into second, fumble the slight hill-start and start to roll back onto the car. I wish I could see his face! He's having no more of this and screams round my offside and away. I wait for a truck to pass and try again. This time, totally rattled I kangaroo start 18 tons of truck. "F**k, sorry about that lads" and finally get going.

Just when you think you've cracked it too. Its when the unexpected happens (I got my speed and position wrong and fluffed a gear-change) that there is too much for the brain to cope with in the split seconds that you have. "Don't worry, no problem" says Mark. "Just don't do it again"!

I turn onto the Raleigh Hall Industrial Estate and we end up at a dead-end though in a wide car-parking area. There are white vans all around me. "OK, full right lock and into reverse". This is the first time I've tried to reverse, let alone turn 35 feet of truck around. Distance judging behind is very difficult for me and I'm sure there is another van behind me and I can't see him. A couple of shunts* in second and we are around and I pull up alongside a wall out of the way. "Right, change over" says Mark. I climb down and walk around the front of the truck and meet Andy who gives me a manic grin and his eyes widen. I chat to Mark as a debrief as he has a smoke and apart from the last junction, I feel quite pleased with myself.

This guy is a saint compared to Colin who took me for my first drive. He never raises his voice or snaps, just calm and collected all the time with the occasional correction. "Come away from the kerb Neil" or dryly "That was very good – now get us off the kerb and we will be fine!"

Mark is back in the high seat and I am now on the passenger side and with Andy at the helm, off we go again. This time out of the estate and back to my infamously-tight junction.

For him of course, it his first drive and like me on my initial drive, the four-over-four gearbox* completely does his head in. We try to pull off in seventh and stall. Then on the first junction he gets it into first (only ever used fully-loaded up the side of a house) and we all brace ourselves against the windscreen. He finally gets going but makes an even worse hash of my infamous junction and leaves us blocking a busy main road junction in all directions. Nothing but calm, clear instruction from the seat behind me. Colin would have been in full-blown strop by now.

Andy drives like a twenty-year old but maybe that's just my perception. I am wincing and physically ducking as we pass so close to high road signs, branches of bushes and trees are clattering on the headboard* and curtains and I feel we a driving far too fast for the conditions. The rev counter is way off the green band (fuel-efficient) and into the amber and red! Surprisingly, Mark says very little but finally asks him to slow down a little and move away from the kerb. We re-trace our journey up the A519 on onwards to the A34 and up towards Stoke again. I take no pleasure in someone else struggling, but he is a lot worse than me and we have countless kangaroo starts on roundabouts and crunching of gears.

We finally come back down the A34 towards Stone and take a right towards Yarnfield and the Test Centre at Swynnerton ending up back at the same Raleigh Hall Industrial Estate. Andy turns her around (no vans in the way this time) and we de-camp into the café (erm - well – Portakabin actually) for a well-earned mug of tea and a bacon butty. And an excellent one too. Mark has his obligatory fag outside and spends all his time on the mobile phone before a quick nosh and a drink and it's my turn again.

"Right!" he says, with an evil glint in his eye. "It's Stone town centre and the one-way system next". Oh shit. I've driven this in the car and it is tight. He's put Andy in the high seat behind me and he is now in the passenger seat. I had wondered why he chose to be there in the morning (the central high seat) and had even offered to sit there but he had declined. As I pulled away heading for Stone, he said, "See how much I trust you now? I'm not sitting where I can get to the handbrake"! Ah, so that's why! The handbrake is to the driver's left in the dash and reachable from the bunk but not the passenger seat. And it's not a big lever like on a car, but just a small plastic handle. And if you set it to "On" it immediately dumps all the air out of the braking system and very powerful springs lock the brakes fully-on. So in a total crisis, it would stop the truck rapidly.

At the roundabout crossing the A34 into Stone I get the correct lane (middle of three) but then totally screw-up my positioning around the turning (no lane markings). Oh, there is so much to think about and so little time!

Stone one-way system is indeed tight but I knew it having driven it several times in the car as a recce. I managed my lane changes fine and the nasty sharp left-hander in the town centre where you have to take the entire road and straddle two lanes to get around without hitting the traffic lights. Passed a school with loads of parked cars, up the hill and finally out into the countryside heading north up the A518. And then probably the worst bit so far with some very narrow sections of "A" road where the road follows a river valley in a steep cutting with some hairpin bends. I have to run over the double whites to keep off the kerb and the sight of an oncoming artic doing the same spooks me. I move left a little and side-swipe the kerb. Damn! (That's an instant fail on the test). Mark says "Neil, the tyres on this thing cost £350 each. That's the last kerb I want you to hit today". I reply with a sheepish "Sorry boss, understood".

So onwards to the suburbs of Stoke and lots of urban driving without mishap, then finally back down the A34 towards Stone and Stafford to a lay-by again, the obligatory smoke and a change of driver.

This time we do the whole circuit again with Andy driving and finally head up the A500 toward Stoke city centre and turn off into the city itself.

"Right, time for some tight city driving". And he's not kidding. We head up Shelton New Road and a very tight left into Etruscan Street past the SCA depot where I started on my day-out with Cecil in 2006. This is back-street industrial area driving, having to take the entire road on bends and corners. Thereafter I lost track of where we went but it was a grand tour of Hanley, Burslem and Tunstall, through lots of tight lights, junctions and mini-roundabouts before we finally stopped on an industrial estate in Burslem close to AAi Foster Grant's place (one of my IT sales from way back). Then my turn to do all the tight stuff and apart from a nasty hill-start on a roundabout (this time rolling back towards a Nissan Micra full of Pakistanis - "Double points for those" says Mark) incorporating a gear-crunching kangaroo start again, it passed without further incident.

Finally I turn onto the A500 going north then west, and off at the A34 and back into the yard. It was now three o'clock but felt like more like six. Mark gives us a debrief, the gist of which is for a pair of first-timers we have done very well and better than many. "Keep going like that and you should have no problems. You are both flapping at junctions but that is to be expected. And you both need to pay a lot more attention to your mirrors, especially you Neil". Oh and I thought that I was but there you go. A chance for a few questions and answers and with that we parted for an 8:30am start sharp on Monday morning. Then the real work starts!

*Class 2 – the old definition (but still widely used by truckers because everyone knows what it means) of rigid trucks (not articulated) up to 32 tonnes. Now known as LGV C

*Class 1 – the old definition of articulated trucks and those with trailers up to 44 tonnes. And a whole different can of worms to drive. Now known as LGV C+E

*LGV/HGV – was always HGV where LGV stood for "Light". Ah but then we got the EU stuff and apparently HGV means "I would like to have sex with your bottom" in Slovakian, so it all had to change. And of course it did.

*Splitter Switch – if your brain is not totally fried with a range-change concept, then a splitter switch "splits" each gear again into a high and a low. So you get a sort of three-and-half gear. OMG not now Kato!!

*Headboard – the hard bit at the front of the cargo space immediately behind the cab.

*Shunter – a special-purpose vehicle – and person(s) - for towing artic trailers around a depot or yard between loading bays without having to couple all the air lines and electrics each time and raise the legs. Look a bit like a smaller version of the things that tow aircraft off the gates at airports. Driven by "The Shunter" who is God and whose wrath one incurs unwisely.

*Shunt – not to be confused with the above. When reversing or doing a three-point turn, taking a short run in a forward gear to straighten up or get the truck/trailer pointing where you want it to be. This is how a three-point-turn becomes an eight-point turn.

*Four-over-four gearbox – like a normal car H-pattern with a slap-over reverse and crawler gear above it (the latter seldom used). But has a High-Low range change switch on the front of the lever (away from the driver). So In Low range we get gears 1 to 4 and in High 5 to 8. Sounds easy but it is very confusing at first when you have so much else to think about. An empty truck (as in training) will pull off on the flat in third but you need second on a hill. First would be needed if fully-loaded. You can pre-select the range (that is, move the switch but nothing happens until you put the gear lever in neutral when you get a painful crunch-clunk as the 'box shifts rages.