Artic Assessment

This morning was my artic assessment drive and to borrow from my good mate Alan (aka Cecil, who got me into all this!) what a ridiculous amount of fun. Oh yes, the size of the thing is awe-inspiring but this is the dog's danglies of truck driving.

As you will know from my last update, though I had won a pass on the Rigids there was a bit of a sting in the tail with no enthusiasm (from them) for artic training and more than a suggestion that I wasn't up to it. Well maybe they are right, we shall see but after this morning I am totally encouraged.

Yes, it is a whole new challenge again, but building so much on all I have learnt so far and I was amazed at how comfortable a lot of it was (and similar to the Rigids) and the new skills I have to acquire I understand and started to put into practise today.

In the current recession there is very little agency, let alone permanent work around for C class drivers and no-chance for a newbie. So despite my previous trainer's recommendation to get some C experience and having discussed it with Alan I decided to press on and get my C+E ticket.

During my last training sessions I had become aware of a fairly large haulage company in Winsford, Cheshire who also have their own training department and offer external courses. In better times, this also carried the guarantee of at least an interview for a job at the end of a pass grade. And at 8 miles and 20 minutes from my home it is far more accessible than Stoke. So after a phone call to their training manager and a positive chat I gave myself up this morning at 9:00am for an assessment drive.

A warmer but wet and misty day with light drizzle persisting. I parked in the staff car park and reported to Reception who directed me to the Training Area. There I met the Training Manager whom I had spoken to on the phone and G who was to be my instructor for this morning. We did the usual formalities of licence checks and G scanned my Test Report from a week ago last Monday.

They knew that I had had the most-feared examiner at Swynnerton and yarned about their experiences too, echoing the Basset's instructor whom I spoke to while waiting at the Test Centre last week. They again confirmed that there was a period when this guy first came to the Centre that no-one was passing and it took several complaints to the DSA* to get something done about it. They encouraged me by saying that he is still a very hard marker and to come out of it as I did was good-going.

With that we were out into the yard in the rain and to my command for the morning. This firm runs an exclusively DAF fleet of 18 and 26-tonner rigids and 38 and 44-tonner artics. I spotted the 44-tonner with L plates and a 45-foot Curtainsider tri-axle trailer coupled up behind it. On no, that is just so big. This one is a DAF 85 (now the CF range): a mid-sized cab and 330 BHP unit.

G explains that the first thing we are going to do is the reversing exercise (as at the Test Centre and our practise sessions at Port Vale FC in Burslem). Oh joy! So no shallow-end here then! As he explains, the idea of the assessment drive is to work out how much time they think I will need to be ready for the test and many drivers really struggle to reverse the artics at first. So there's not a lot of point in going out on the roads and driving well-enough if there is a major reversing problem. With that he asks me to get in the driver's seat and up I go.

This has a different dash layout which he explains to me. And the range-change is now a collar on the gear stick: up for high and down for low – no problem there. But it has a splitter too (so that's 16 gears) with a turn of the same collar left and right. "He (examiner) will expect to see you use that". You have to be kidding?!! (Oh I hope he is. I can just handle the range-change but as we shall see in a minute I am still prone to a complete black-out in a crisis). I keep a poker face but have no idea for certain what's going to happen when I let the clutch up. Mostly I'm in the gear I hope for but sometimes it's 7 when I wanted 5 and worse Reverse (graunch-crunch) when I wanted 4.

And so with that I adjust the seat and steering column and start her up.

"Right, first off I want you to reverse straight back down the yard and keep the trailer straight".

Having towed boats all round the country, this is not so daunting for me, but you can't rely on turning round to look so have to do it all on mirrors. The knack is to only put a little correction on and wait for the trailer to answer. Too much either way and you end up snaking all over the place and in a right mess. I was pleased that I could control it easily. I stopped a few metres away from the kerb at the end of the yard and G showed me the piece of silver tape on the rear mudguard of the trailer and where to line this up on the kerb. With that I carried on and stopped, switched off and checked the trailer position: just three inches from the kerb – perfect!

They have the full reversing pad set-up permanently marked out and with its coned-off loading bay with the A and B cones (as per the Port Vale pics from Day 6). With just me in the artic I then drive forward and set up the rig so that the A and B cones are visible in a line down the nearside and use the kerb mirror to put the left A cone right on the front nearside corner of the cab.

And then I'm off, but this time we have to use the opposite lock to a rigid to get a good "bend" in the trailer and to keep the tractor unit parallel to the yellow line on my offside. I hold this line reversing very slowly until I can just see the trailer legs appear in my nearside mirror then "follow the headboard* round". This means I now have to put some left lock on (not crossing the yellow line with the front offside wheel) to get the unit in line with the trailer. And hey! There it is – that dreaded and much-squashed B cone in my offside mirror. Result! Now all I have to do is keep the trailer heading straight for the dock – no problem. But then as I move the tractor a little left-and-right I loose the vital "control" side view, meaning I can't see down the offside of the trailer. So under G's direction, I take a small shunt forwards in 3 to straighten us all up and then back into the dock perfectly, lining the sliver tape up with the kerb. Engine off and out to have a look: spot on. I am well-pleased!

"Well that's a pass and bloody good for a first try. Believe me, there are guys who just can't get this". (I thought back to the lad I met in the Driver's Canteen two weeks ago last Monday morning at Stoke who failed his artic on three shunts to do this).

So with that we are out of the yard and onto the roads. It feels comfortable. Yes I know it is so much bigger but all my previous training comes to the fore. I have no problems in positioning on the road and my mirror routines are the same. Brakes no problem but the gearbox I am struggling with, only because it is different. It's exactly the same as the Volvo, but I keep going up (or down) the wrong slot (if you will pardon the expression). Both this DAF and the Volvo are servo (air) assisted gear-shifts but whereas the Volvo was quite a "notchy" gate this one is very subtle and there is very little movement required between 7 and 5 or 8 and 6 let alone – 4 and 2 and –ahem – CRUNCH – Reverse! Sorry G.

The big, big change of course are the tight junctions and judging how much road we are going to borrow (well bully actually). As G says "We have two major advantages over car drivers: we are bloody huge and don't own this thing". Oh I like him already!! And as he says we have the Lunatic plates on the front and back, so expect anything odd to happen (and it will!).

So a bit like my early days with Dave, G is calling the shots on the lines to take on the tight ones but I am soon learning where the trailer goes and beginning to make my own judgements.

On the way into the yard this morning in the Mitsubishi, I was stopped at a major set of lights near to my home. This is where the A54 Chester-Winsford road crosses the A49. Having wondered where our route for an assessment drive might take us I had ruled this one out entirely telling myself that there is no way you can get an artic around this one (bollards and lights in the centre of the road you are turning into.) And as I waited two 45-footers swung it with ease but I watched the line they took with fascination. So I had a clue.

As we left the yard and headed up through various "A" road roundabouts I knew we were heading for Northwich. Oh you must be kidding! Born and raised in Cheshire (apart from some long spells in the South East and London) Northwich was always a place I drove past rather than through. Until only about March time last year.

Faced with having to move my 28-foot boat out of Liverpool and nearer to me I discovered the delightful River Weaver and hence Northwich and Winsford. The Weaver is an ex-commercial waterway that links Winsford (40-miles from the seaward end) with the Mersey and until very recent times had sea-going coasters of 600-800 tons and even 1,000 tons up as far as the salt mine at Winsford.

Northwich in many ways reminds me of some of the small Dutch towns with their swing bridges and ship-sized canals. So back in March, in search of a home for my boat I found the ex-shipbuilding yards of Northwich down by the Weaver.

The point of this divergence? Well when Northwich developed into a town they hadn't thought of 44-tonner six-axle artics. So its Victorian swing bridges and traffic-light junctions hadn't either. And to my utter amazement I drove this juggernaut (sorry for the old cliché but it is so true) through this place in four combinations and didn't hit a kerb, railing, traffic light or (thankfully) anything else.

Yes I had G as a co-pilot: "Now at the next turning you are going to have a stiff challenge" Oh good. As the lights came into view I saw why. Tight left-hand turn, pedestrian railings all around and a centre bollard with lights on the road I am turning into.

"Now take the hash-markings (on my right) they are owned by us (truckers). Get over more – and again. Right, ignore the left turn for the moment, drive straight ahead, keep going (I am convinced I cannot now turn the tractor unit left). Now go for it"! I wind the left lock on and the cab swings left and misses the traffic lights by inches. My sore neck (from last week) is even worse now as I scan the mirrors left and right to judge where the trailer is swinging – and the nearside trailer wheels clear the railings by inches. Oh hell this is hard – but what satisfaction and fun. To think someone might pay me to do this. Over the narrow swing bridge (G doesn't have to tell me when to give way or hold position – this is like driving Rigids in Stone town centre). And then another fearsome left at a set of lights onto a dual carriageway.

"Your biggest problem here (apart from clearing the railings on my nearside) is not swiping the traffic lights on the right with the headboard as the tractor unit turns left and the trailer headboard swings to the right". I think my neck has now developed 360-degree movement!

With that we approach a well-known (to me) sort-of-roundabout based around a pub in the middle with lots of tight lanes. I followed a low-loader with my boat on it around here not so long ago. G: "I'm not going to say anything and see what line you take". I got around with no problems and a "Well done" from him. I am liking this! Then we did all those awful junctions in Northwich again, before heading back on the "A" roads to the yard.

Just to give an idea of how much power and torque these things chuck out. He had warned me that it was quite possible to spin the driving wheels on the tractor unit when lightly-loaded and indeed this I did on one roundabout. Staggering!

So back into the yard he says "You might as well get some reversing practise. Screw it right around at the end of the yard (270-degree turn) and put the trailer in between those other two". OK – and I did!!

De-brief? Well I am struggling with this different DAF gearbox but that will come within the first day. My mirrors are good but need a brush up, though he can see that's because I am struggling with the 'box and the size of the thing. Not tucking in tight-enough to the left on right-handers (got a Minor for this on my test last week). But reversing is fine and doesn't see a problem. Result!

So I start on February 10 for 4-days of one-to-one with my test on Friday 13 and with the dreaded gimlet-eyed baldy one. But (1) I'm not superstitious and (2) I know how to handle him and (3) yes, they are big, very big, but what is all the fuss about?

Night all,

Neil

*DSA – Driving Standards Agency. A quango that sets all the hoops we have to jump through.

Sequel

One of the main reasons for choosing the company that I did was the fact that (prior to the recession), you were paying the going rate similar to any of the commercial LGV schools but there was a defined route of C (Rigids), C+E (Artics) and then (if there was a vacancy and you were good enough) a trunking job (one of the easiest in the industry) with them.

I knew when I started (from the trucking forums) that much has changed since Cecil did his training and agency work in 2006. There are out-of-work experienced drivers who can't get work and the chances for newbies are very few-and-far-between now.

There is also a bit of split opinion as to whether you should consolidate a C pass with some driving experience on Rigids before attempting Artics (C+E) or go straight from C to C+E.

Tellingly, Andy and I had asked Dave about this early on in the week and he was emphatic: go for C+E straight away. He also said that they were looking for a C pass with 3 to 5 minors as their standard. "If I get a guy gets a pass with 12 Minors; well yes, it's a Pass but not the standard we are looking for. So I would advise him to go and get a C job and get some experience and think about Artics later. And many of them get a C job and think, well this will do me and go no further".

I think that Friday and the mock tests changed all that and indeed our collective results on the real test on Monday. I had a difficult conversation with him in the café while waiting for Andy. I asked about the chances for a C+E course and he was very evasive.

Some of it is true (they have a huge burden of internal training with the EU changes coming in this year for existing drivers; there are 200 C+E drivers at Stoke and another 160 nation-wide who need CPC re-training). So they are stopping external courses such as ours to concentrate on internal re-training. And whereas, in the earlier part of the week he had been telling us to go for C+E straight away, he is now telling us both to go to the agencies for some C-work and experience.

Reading between the lines this means he doesn't think we are up to artic standards yet. Less so Any (with 6 Minors) but definitely not me. My sales questioning skills came in well and I asked him directly (he was making excuses about how busy the training team are) that were it not for their capacity, was he really saying I needed some C experience before I attempted artics and he said "Yes".

Well I appreciate his honesty (though I had to drag it out of him). And later, as I said goodbye to Andy, I learnt that he had the same conversation and got much the same result, though without the experience to ask difficult questions had got a more vague answer. I think he got a "My advice is to go and get some experience but if you really want to do your C+E now, we have got a couple of lads asking for this and might be able to fit you in".

Dave also told us that the last few who have completed C+E are on a "Keep in Touch" waiting-list as the previous route of training with this company leading to a job is a thing of the past in the current climate. So there are no jobs to be had at Stoke.

For me the advice was to get some varied experience of different makes of trucks and driving loaded* ones and in 2 or 3 months when I feel ready, get back in touch and if they can fit me in they will.

So not the ideal result we wanted, but a start in the right direction. So today I have been downloading simple business card templates and re-dong my CV in a Functional format (ideal for changing careers) with the target audience of a TM (Transport Manger) in mind and will soon be hawking myself around the local (and not-so-local) hauliers chasing a job.

Meanwhile, with one hurdle out of the way, I shall address myself once more to the IT market (though the spirit is weak) and see what we can land for another

9-to-18 months!

But on a brighter note, here is our reversing exercise at Port Vale FC last Friday:

We first have to drive onto the pad and position the truck in line with the "B" cone (just behind the truck's nearside front wheel in the pic below)

And you can see ahead of it the two A cones (against the wall). We have to get it in that with a clear line between the B cone and the left A cone. Then stop the truck between the two A cones by the wall. But the nearer we can get to the left A cone the better for what comes next.

There's a yellow line, in line with the right A cone that we can't put a wheel over, so it's window down and full left lock but watch the wheel over the yellow line. Then hope to God we find the B cone in our offside mirror before we squash it (regularly done!)

Past the B cone (in the middle of the pad) and towards the dock….

And then in we go. All on mirrors of course!

And here we are in the "dock". No worries? (That's Dave on the left. The grey hair is teaching the likes of Andy and me to drive this thing!)

Mind how you go!

*Loaded Trucks – everything we have done so far is with and empty and therefore light truck. The difference in handling when fully-loaded is yet to be experienced for me. Though as a passenger with Cecil in 2006 I could feel the difference in ride immediately. So he has a point and a big learning curve beyond the Test.

Day 7 Test Day

As it was a wet Monday morning, I set out earlier than usual to beat the traffic and was just parking up in the depot car-park when I met my co-trainee, Andy. We both had that kind of "today is the day" smile and wandered into the driver's canteen* one more time.

Empty apart form the cleaning lady I now say "Hello" to and of course the ubiquitous plasma-screen telly on 24/7. We sit and natter with one eye on the god-awful diet the TV channels push out at this (all?) time of the day.

I recognise the lad who failed his artic a week ago this Monday (Day 2) and chat with him. Dave had said he was an odd chap who had spat his dummy out on a couple of occasions in training. But as I chatted to him more, he relaxed and there was a warm side to him. He was here to pay some dues and I asked him if he going to have another go. He told me he was an early casualty from JCB (700 gone since in the news) and that he can't afford a re-test but will when and if he can get the money together. Hard times indeed.

So then Dave bowls in and out we go into the sleet and rain (snow forecasted today). I had one question from the Show Me, Tell Me questions I wanted to check. Tilting the cab up (to work on the engine) is a fitter's thing and not a driver's but one of the questions asks how you would ensure it is secure and I had no idea. So Dave explained how the fitters jack the cab up and secure it back again. The simple answer is that it is one of the myriad lights on the dash.

With that I am into the hot seat, fill out and insert a tacho disc and off down the A34 one more time, but through Trent Valley and the Newcastle one-way system. Lots of roundabouts with no visibility. I have learnt now to look over the trees and bushes in the centre island and to the approaching position of cars and vans as you can get a good indication of which way they are planning to go and so give yourself so much more time and space.

Very aware of my speeding mishaps on Friday, I am horrified to see what I judge as my speed (from the engine pitch and gear I am in) compared to what the speedo says. To the point that I check with Dave on what he thinks the current speed limit is. When I finally stop at a Pelican crossing we realise that the speedo is reading 20 km/h at a standstill. Oh hell, we have had problems with this before.

So we pull into a lay-by and try every combination of opening and closing the tacho draw (including various combinations of thumping it) but finally accept defeat. Turning up with a defective truck means a cancelled test. So Dave calls one of his colleagues who had started a new trainee today in an identical Volvo FM7 and asks him to follow us to the Test Centre so if we have to we will swap vehicles.

Then we try one more time and as everything on these modern(ish) vehicles is driven off the computerised Engine Management System, we go for the famous re-boot (which in our case is turning the ignition off, waiting, turning it back on again and waiting for all the dash lights to go off. Each time we do this, the needle drops a few km/h and we finally get it reset to zero.

So off I go and I feel apprehensive, but comfortable and in control. Down the A34 to Stone and a couple of laps of the now well-know town one-way system and finally to a "Park in a safe place" and a change-over with Andy.

He does the similar few laps before we go to Stafford one more time and practise "Andy's Junction". This was the one he kerbed badly and got his Serious on Friday. No problems this time so we head out to the test centre and pull into a lay-bay at about 10:15am and out comes the yellow-and-black board at the tail-end so that I can "calibrate" my seat position. It looks the same as at Vale Park: about a third into the black is my ideal stop position and that will put me about three-inches off the barrier at the Test Centre.

So with that we head for the Centre and though we have circuited the entrance a few times this time we go in (gulp!) and I take the lane that leads to the test-pad. With that, Dave makes sure I have got all my documents ready (license (two parts) and Theory Test Certificates), both he and Andy wish me well, then leave me in to my fate in the cab as they depart for the Waiting Room.

I make out the shape of the Examiner heading my way and wonder of wonders! It's the baldy gimlet-eyed one. He who is feared here. With the composure of an executioner, he opens the passenger cab door and climbs in.

Him: "Neil Evans?"

Me: "Yes, that's me"

Him: "So what do I call you then?"

Me: "Er – Neil would be OK"??

Him: "Fine: now are you familiar with the test routine…..etc etc"

Me: "Very" :-(

So with that I do the braking test first. Not getting any bloody Minors for this so must have been doing nearer 35 when I hit the brakes. Examiner holding on for grim death. All sorts of things that have been lost in this truck over the last of its eight years suddenly re-appeared in the foot-well!

Then onto the reversing pad, which we have practised so many times at Port Vale FC. No problem at all and though we are trained to switch off and get out, His Nastiness says I don't have to bother (result!).

I then got my Show Me - Tell Me questions and had to walk round the truck to check my indicators and lift the front grill to show how I would check the levels, tyres, wheel nuts and drain the air tanks. That was it. Back in the cab and off we go. Oh dear!

Past the other training vehicles who were parked up for a brew at the café. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a load of thumbs-up and briefly acknowledged their support – like the sympathy for a condemned man!

Him: "Take a right on the main road".

Me (thinks): Oh thank God for that; not Eccleshall and the awfully-narrow B road to Stafford (where I got 6 minors alone on Friday).

So I'm well happy with the first couple of miles: a tight double-junction immediately after the Test Centre (7th to 4th) and then a road we know so well to the hairpin over the bridge at Cold Norton (5th) but I meet a huge artic coming the other way and in text-book style, stop and let him through before swinging wide over the double-whites to get around the left-hander.

Strange that I have killed the nerves. I am calm and determined but not confident either. I know this truck and how to control it now and this man with his clipboard and hi-viz yellow jacket will not beat me! There is a constant voice in my head saying "Don't f**k up. Don't f**k up!)

On down the B5206 towards Stone and the A34 and he asks me what I would normally be doing if I wasn't taking an LGV test (as you do!). So I chat to him briefly. This is a mix of 7th and 8th (gears) before the infamous Walton roundabout on the A34 (and don't miss the 30 signs in the village just before we get there).

I think I got a "Park in a suitable place" down here and the subsequent "Move off when safe."

Him: "Turn right at the next roundabout, that's the third exit"

Me: "Understood" (thinks) "Oh no: Stafford!"

Down the A34, making sure I'm up to 50 (Making Progress) and down to 40 in the slower bits. And then to the suburbs of Stafford combinations of which we have done so many times. I can't be exactly sure which way we went in but nothing too severe. And all along I felt in control; that nothing too bad had happened yet but no doubt he had spotted things that I wasn't aware of.

On a suburban road I got another "Pull in and park" but this time behind a parked car. This is called "Moving Off at an Angle" as you have to pull out (and potentially over the white line) to clear the car.

This means waiting until traffic behind you and oncoming is clear. But as I had waited for what seemed like forever, I started to go with some oncoming traffic. But the road was wide and they confirmed my decision as they didn't have to alter course or slow. A mistake with hindsight that cost me 2 of my 9 Minors and indeed at was only this incident that put the thought that I might fail in my mind.

As we got into the Stafford ring road I got the "Follow the road-signs AND road-markings for Telford A518" So there's a hint then!! But I know this well now but can I get my lanes-positioning, signalling, mirrors and gears all together at the same time? And the A518 means the critical tight right-hander past the station. I think I picked up a Minor through here for not signalling when I should, but better that then the wrong lane or getting lost.

And then back north up the A34 and to my surprise up the A34 again (the easier of the ways in and out), back to the Walton roundabout, a hill-start on the way out of the village and then the tight right-hander over the bridge and immediate roundabout at Cold Norton (where I met the artic on my way out) and back to the Test Centre.

I am thinking "Have I, haven't I?" but other than the Move Off at an Angle I was as happy with the drive as I could be. Pulled into the gates and parked up behinds a Bassett's 18-tonner waiting to start his test.

Gimlet-eye says "That is the end of your test. You have passed".

I kept a poker face (practise from each time I have been made redundant/sacked) and he set-to in order to complete the paper work.

"There are driving faults: particularly you are late up with the clutch and tending to roll back a little on gradients" (bugger, thought I'd fixed that) "and mirrors on change of direction. One you nearly failed on". This was the tight right-hander where the A518 to Telford (Newport Road) goes right into Station Road for the A518 north.

In Dave's words "There is a lot of work to do at this junction". You are so focussed on oncoming traffic, the state of the lights and getting the truck far enough forward to clear the back wheels (but not too far in case you can't get round) that I forgot the arse-end swing (leftwards) and nearly decapitated a Micra driver (or at least the Micra) on the inside lane.

So he fills out the DSA 10 (Pass Certificate) and takes my provisional license(s) to send off the Swansea and my official C license will be back within 3 weeks. Dave and Andy appear at my cab door and there are handshakes and congrats all round.

It's now 12 noon and Andy is on at 1:00pm so off we go with him driving around Stone and the outskirts of Stafford one more time and back to the same lay-by to put the board down and check his reverse markers. As he's 5 feet-nothing there is a difference in the marks. We pull up in the Test Centre again and Dave gets out to check-in. Andy says he's as nervous as hell and I try to re-assure him. I wish him luck, climb out of the cab and join Dave in the Waiting Room.

There's a Bassett's (Tiittensor) instructor in the room and Dave knows him well, so I get a very good insight into their banter as to how they see their world – and particularly us "punters"! (For all the years I have used that as a derogatory term for my customers it hurts!).

Then over to the cafe for a bacon sandwich, tea and read of The Sun before it is time (2:20pm) to head over the Waiting Room again for Andy's return. While we were having "lunch" we saw and old ERF C Series (late 80s)) artic pulling one of those huge cattle/sheep multi-deck trailers come into the Centre with L plates on. And into the café comes a classic 22-stone 65-year-old farmer, looking like he had been in the same clothes for the last 20 years (and probably had) who was like us, waiting for his lad/farm-hand to take his test (for the third time). He joined is the walk across the yard to the Waiting Room and he and Dave (56) got yarning about the Good Old Days.

When (proper) trucks had Gardner 160s (BHP – your average artic is 400 up to 600 BHP V8 these days) and Eaton Twin-Splitter crash gearboxes (no synchromesh) and how you had to stand up to pull the steering wheel around corners and how they had to burn tyres on the top of Shap Fell to keep warm in the snow in winter and how they slept on a plank laid across the cab windows. "Now these lads (evil look at me) don't know how easy they've got it".

Finally I see the familiar Volvo front-end enter the Centre and Andy is back. And the great news is he has passed too with 6 Minors. So we join him in the cab and congratulations all around and then Dave asks me to drive home, unless I would like him to. You must be kidding, I need my fix now!

So back up the old route you all know, A34, A500 to the Talke roundabout and one stop down the A34 to the depot. I take the Volvo once around the depot this time and park in the (tight) entrance to the truck-wash so that Dave can clean her off for next session. We said our goodbyes and then Andy and I walked back to our cars and chatted about where we go from here. And that's a story for another day.

Well a really great result all round but there are some buts. Well this is life after all"!

Night all,

Neil

*Driver's Canteen – a set of open-sided Portakabins all bolted together, sitting on top of the similar structure below (The Transport Office). The word "canteen" conjures up the idea of food and people cooking food and sustenance but oh no; just a row of vending and microwave machines, a PC for Internet access (no doubt locked down to just about everything other than Hotmail and BBC News) and a plasma telly that was ordered without an Off button (so on 24/7).

Day 6

Today was my mock test. Result? Fail. Two serious, twelve minors. I couldn't resist the Basil Fawlty (Hotel Inspectors) line of "But apart from that OK?"

We are not amused and neither is Dave. Oh dear.

The only thing that gives me some (selfish) solace is that Andy (who is generally driving far better than me) also failed with two Serious and four Minors. And what's worse, I didn't even spot (nor with prompting at the de-brief) what his first Serious was.

A warmer, grey day today. I was first in the seat in the yard for a couple of reverses onto the yellow-and-black board, then swapped with Andy to do the same as it was his turn to drive first so we headed over to Vale Park FC one more time, laid out the cones (video to follow) and did our reversing practise. This is sorted for us both now (the real fun starts at the next stage with the artics).

Then we had to do the braking exercise. Easy but spooky at first. We have to start in fourth, gun it, range-change up to fifth and be doing 20 mph by the time the front of the truck passes the cones. Then a controlled brake but stop the truck rapidly without locking the wheels or skidding. The Volvo has ABS which makes it easier. Dave showed us first and all of our miscellaneous coats, carrier bags, mobile phones and note-books ended up in a heap in the foot-well. The cones were just by the rear wheels!!

The hardest part for me was getting it up to 20mph before the cones. We both did it twice (this is the very first thing you do on the test to show the examiner that you can at least stop the thing).

With that completed, we pack up the kit in the back (three-piece suite still there) and Andy takes us out through Burslem to the A500 and A34 towards Stone, right at our infamous Walton roundabout and to the Test Centre where we pull into the entrance, take a wide sweep and park near the exit.

This is the House of Horrors (Test Centre).

There is another "Café" here (Portakbin) so we pull up and park for a brew. Nothing to do with the DSA, just a lay-by style bacon-butty joint but it will do for our purposes.

Then I am in the seat for my "test". Not nervous, but just aware that I am now being critically assessed. Dave has the dreaded sheet out on his clip board.

So off I go out of the Centre remembering his words earlier in the week "This is a 60 stretch for cars so if there is anything left or right, don't go". Remembered!

A few miles of "A" road and I feel OK. Then a "Park in a safe place" and I do: handbrake, neutral, but Dave is still glaring at me and saying nothing but I can't work out why. So I say "What have I done?" And he tells me to cancel my left indicator. Bother! = Minor.

And then "Left at the next junction".

We know this one well; a horribly-blind Give-Way (Treat it as a Stop: fourth and handbrake). Through there and into Eccleshall. No problems. First mini-roundabout in the high street I take in fifth – nothing coming – no problems. (Minor: Closed Junction, should have been fourth).

Dave role-playing the examiner says, "Take a left at the next roundabout". This is a very tight mini-roundabout too.

There is another 18-tonner on training coming the other way from my left. Both I and the other learner stop and stare at each other in equal horror (we both need to "pinch" some of the opposite lane to get round). My training tells me to let the obstruction through, but of course, so does his! So for what seems like an eternity we both sit there wondering who will move first. In the end I decide to act, but because I was spooked by him being there I didn't swing wide enough and kerbed it. I didn't know that I had because it had one of those lowered kerbs for the disabled and I didn't feel it.

So I had now failed 5 minutes into the test (but didn't know it). On down the very narrow A road towards the M6 J13 (Stone) roundabout and grazed the kerb three times (terrifying oncoming car-transporters, a bin lorry over the white line, and a low-loader carrying a digger that was over-hanging my side) = three Minors.

As we approach the big, open roundabout under the M6 J13 I got the "Take the third exit, Unmarked".

We have done this countless times and I know this means a right-lane, right-signal approach which I do. I also know it is an 8-to-6 block change and if we are clear, we go in 6. I change to 6, it is clear. What do I do? Change to 5 then a range-change to 4!! As Dave said later "What was all that about??!! Minor = miss–use of gears. I wish I knew why I did that and I don't. Oh how do I hate stress!!!

Left into the outrageously-tight Crab Lane (fourth – sorted!) and no directions out of it (because it is onto a dual-carriageway with a blue left-turn only sign). Perfect. Then a right to Uttoxeter. Then a right to Sandon (Ah, know this. This is the Dog and Doublet road - Neil's Pub).

This is familiar ground with the long left-hander by the Seven Stars and steep bank down to the cross roads and tight bridge over the canal (exhaust brake on) then to the A51 and the Dog and Doublet. Left onto the A51 then "Take the next right turn" (to Stone).

This is a right off a major A road with a cross-hatched protected bay. I execute it perfectly, I'm down to 6 but then I recognise it and think "Oh f**k I need 4 for this, fumble the range-change, over-shoot the junction. And struggle to get her round it. Miss-use of gears = Minor (Dave: "That's if we are coming the other way you pratt"). Oh this is so hard.

Then through the nightmare of Stone (no bloody Minors - none!) the Walton roundabout, Norton Bridge and back to the Test Centre.

Dave: "Park up here on the left. How do you think you have done?"

Me: "I'll get my coat"

Dave; "Fail. Big-style. Tell me why?"

Me: "Brushed the kerb three times with oncoming trucks on the road from Eccleshall down to the M6; fouled my gears on the M6 J13 roundabout. Was doing 40 in a 30 for a while (forgot to tell you readers about this one) and fouled up the gears on the turn from the A51 to Stone".

"Yes", he said "You did but there is more" (of course there was more – much more!).

"The two Serious were the kerb in Eccleshall and the speeding". The latter is easily fixed because I had a major misunderstanding in my training that this mock test has (thankfully) brought out and it won't happen again. And because of this at least six of my minors were related to this problem.

A "very good result" will be a pass with 3 or 4 Minor. A pass with 12 minors will be searching for a job with the local skip-hire firm!!

Into the café for a quick brew and scan of the papers.

Then it's Andy's turn. And I sit on the bunk at the back, green with envy at how well this 29-year-old is driving. He drives impeccably, but about 10 minutes out we meet a pair of cyclists on a tight A road, just before the brow of a hill. They are in-line behind each other, but no-way we can overtake safely. So we follow them in 4, crawling behind with a huge tail-back of traffic behind us until it is eventually safe to overtake. I didn't see a problem here, though indeed there were a few times when I thought I would have gone, but I am sitting on the high seat on the bunk top so can see much further ahead.

So we finally pass them and then we get two farm tractors and trailers doing 15mph and sit behind them for an eternity. As I have said before, a lot of it is if you have the skill to handle any situation and a lot of it is luck as to what jumps out of the tarmac on the day!

So with those past, he carries on in fine style, to a well know tight-right with lights and bollards. His approach, speed and gears are fine but then just when he is about to commit, Subaru Boy comes tear-arsing up the opposite carriageway and in that fatal split-second, Andy goes for the turn but the oncoming car rushes him. And we are talking inches here. And as soon as he had turned, I knew he had lost it: we not only mounted the kerb but nearly took the traffic lights with us!

Oh how I felt for him. As I have said: one stupid mistake.

He drove the rest perfectly and when we got back to the Test Centre, Dave asked him how he thought he had done. And of course = Fail due to the kerb incident. But then Dave told him that he too had two Serious faults. Neither Andy nor I could work it out and when Dave prompted me and said "Cyclists?" I said "Ah yes, Undue Hesitation?" (Meaning I thought he could of overtaken and he didn't) but he said "No" and told us why:

"Look, cyclists are the total horror for LGV examiners. You were right not to overtake but you followed them far, far too closely. You need to be at least, at least, as far away as that bush (pointing to a shrub 50 yards away) and it was up-hill. At one point the one at the back glanced over their shoulder, saw a bloody great truck three feet behind them and thought "f***ing Hell!" and pedalled even faster!!"

So both of us now with our tails down, we mooch into the cafe again for a brew and as I am the only one that hasn't brought any food, order a bacon sandwich.

Half-way through our break I recognise a man with a hi-viz Motorway jacket on coming our way. I know he's "brass" because he has a white shirt and a tie on under the mandatory yellow jacket. This is one of the three examiners. A gimlet-eyed chubby man in his late fifties, with a close-cut hairdo hiding baldness. Hmm, is it you and me mate on Monday? No contest: I'll get my coat now.

Confident? Not a chance. I can fix the speed problem and maybe the kerb in Eccleshall but overall this is hard and I really don't feel I am there yet. But what the hell; the pass rate is 48% and I will go and drive the circuit and if I fail will jump right back on the horse (£150 re-test fee) and do it again. I AM going to drive trucks!!