Groundhog Day*

I took my artic ret-test on Friday (20 Feb) – and failed. Again! Oh the stress and the pain!

The preceding Thursday was a good day: 8:00am to 12:30pm mainly on reversing practise in the yard. To my delight, G had been assigned to me again (as I had been initially re-assigned to the Training Manager whose style is different and I didn't want that).

I was surprised to see the (tractor) unit outside the garage (not the "pretend" one we reverse into but the real one where they service the trucks). G explained that it had been serviced the day before and that they weren't happy with the brakes (binding) so there would be a delay while they fixed that. This was ideal: I knew what I wanted to fix was the "shunting" to make the most of a bad situation on the reverse. I had played with some artic model trucks over the weekend (my children were fascinated to see the white dining table marked out as a reversing pad with empty 8mm pistol cartridge cases - just the right size - as cones)!

So we took a similar artic model and went through what was bothering me on the office desk tops. Sorted! Now all I have to do is translate that into something 16.5 metres long (55 feet in old money).

It was finally decided that the fitters weren't going to get to us for a while so off we went to the rig in the yard and I started lots or reversing practise.

The first bit of good news is that we fixed why I often do everything perfectly but loose getting the trailer straight on the final dock in the garage. This is Chasing the Dragon* Headboard and I wasn't doing it. Now I know it's sorted.

Then we had several "now get out of this" situations. On one, as I lined up for the start, the bastards moved the whole "garage" set of cones nearer to me by about 10 feet (I didn't see them do this). As I came around the "B" cone I thought WTF!? I was miles out. Why? So the pair of them (G and the Training Manager) appear at my cab door and say "Right now what are you going to do"? Me: "Turn it off and go home?"

But this was good and taught me how to get out of a serious "out of position" which had failed me last time.

With a few more "perfect" and un-aided reverses we went out onto the roads around Northwich where I had done the original artic assessment drive at the end of January. This was just to get me "test fit" again after a few days off. G was great and tells me he's not going to say anything unless we get into a dangerous situation. And we do all the tight junctions we did without problems and lots more too. And what it proves is that I am now not "driving by numbers" ("You need to be in 5 by this post box" etc) but making my own assessment of the type of junction and positioning accordingly.

We find a bacon-butty van on the A49 south of Acton Bridge (very near to me for a brew) and finally retrace our steps to the depot. I am as happy as I can be for the re-test in the morning (Friday).

Test Day

To get my re-test in they had to double me up with another lad doing his first artic test on this day. So the plan was I would get into the depot at 8:00am (now with the Training Manger) and do a couple of reverses and a trailer drop and re-couple. Perfect each time. I've really cracked it this time! Just as I as doing a final reverse (after the re-couple) I spotted my trainee-mate for the day watching.

Then (8:30am) he gets in and immediately I could tell this guy had no chance. He did get a couple in but with loads of assistance and shunts and I really felt for him. Then by 9:00am the TM puts me in the cab for the drive down to Stafford. So on I go through Middlewich to the M6 and down to the A500 (J16) and on down the A34 to Stone. One more time around this place (suited to Morris Minors not artics!) and then to the Test Centre. As I drove in I thought to myself "I hope this is the last time I see this freaking place" and nearly said just that but fate stopped me. Wisely as it turned out!

At least it is a warmer day, with the sunshine putting some warmth on our backs and I notice the Daffs and Snowdrops springing through the grass verges on the prettier bits of this place. The pad is still too bright for choice but we shall manage.

I am second in line behind a Bassett's artic waiting for test and there is another artic behind me. This causes problems (3 x artics together) as we have to wait while each does a trailer drop and re-couple, though the later ones sometimes have to do this at the end of their test. (I wouldn't like that).

Come the appointed hour, out come the "Three Musketeers" (Examinerss) and to my horror the Smiling Assassin (the one who failed me last week) climbs in my cab. My heart sank.

As soon as he recognised me the mood changed. He had clearly remembered me and was totally amused (in his own little world) that I had the misfortune to get him again! In actual fact it relaxed the proceeding and we joked a lot about coincidences and of course it cut all the pre-amble down as he knew that I knew what had to be done. He summarised it and said "Look at the end of the day, you are the man behind the wheel and you know what we want from you". And of course he is right.

One more time onto the braking pad (no VOSA car in the way this time) and then onto the reversing pad.

The reverse was fine (though I took two shunts to get it straight in the garage) but that was marked without problems. Trailer drop and re-couple no problems.

"Where did we go last week?" He asks me. I am thinking it was a very easy route and I would like that again please, even to the point of saying "I can't remember"! Him: "I remember: Stafford. So we won't go there then!" Bugger!

Then out of the Centre right to Norton Bridge and the Walton roundabout, left up the A34 to the Trentham roundabout then all the way up to the pub and railings at the right turn into Belgrave Road B5038 then right at the roundabout and onto Lightwood Road A5005 back towards Stone. Through that awful mini-roundabout by the pub at Rough Close and no kerbs (I kerbed the Rigid badly here and now I can get an artic through it!)

I got no less than fours cyclists at different parts of the route that are a nightmare to get past in a truck (because you need so much length of road) but managed them all without incident (or more to the point Minor or Serious faults).

Then through Death Valley (Kibblestone) and well before the hairpin bend I clouted a branch with the nearside wide-angle mirror (very high on this DAF) and shattered the lens. Game over. Bollocks!! "Contact” (hitting something) = fail.

As the Examiner said later: “You spoilt an otherwise very nice drive with that”.

Knowing I had failed I told him so but, said I would attempt to get us home without any more errors. So into Stone and then right at the nasty tight-right-hander towards Newcastle, then left-lane into the narrow bits and over the canal to the tight left-hander by the BP garage on the A34. (This is very unusual for this route, so he was really testing my tight "town" driving); normally we would just go straight thought he town and a relatively easier drive.

Back to the Walton roundabout and home. No bloody Minors in Stone – at all! – and four Minors and one Serious (hitting the branch) in total. How unlucky is that! I didn’t kerb it, just the branch but the rules are any contact is an immediate fail.

On the final run into the Centre (just as we cross the bridge over the M6 by Stafford Services) I spot our training Rigid coming the other way. This is G with a new trainee who had started in the yard this morning as we were doing our reversing practise. Knowing I had failed I thought "To Hell with protocol" (as learners we don't flash or wave or beckon to anyone) so G and his trainee got a big headlight flash and a wave from me. G stared back in absolute horror!

By the time the Examiner had left the cab it was now 12:00 midday and my co-trainee was on at 1:00pm for his test. So the big panic was to fix the busted mirror. The TM had all the lockers and bunk mattresses up and the air was blue. Because they know this sort of thing happens they carry all sorts of spares like mirrors and light fittings etc. But as he pointed out: "The f*****g fitters know we do so the bastards rob from my training trucks and now I haven't got a spare. They've even pinched my screwdriver".

So with that he phones G (who thankfully isn't far away) and we finally get a spare mirror lens and screwdriver. Luckily, there's a four-foot high wall next to where we are parked in the Centre and we pull the front of the rig over to the wall. The TM climbs on the nearside steps of the cab, onto the top of the front wheel then onto the wall with me holding him. Health-and-Safety would have a hissy fit if they knew and no, we didn't write up a Risk Assessment Plan first!!

The original plan is that my co-trainee would have an hour's drive before his test (and indeed share the drive down from Winsford) but his choice was just to go straight into it. He was very nervous and I tried to help but realised that I wasn't (helping) so shut up.

Come 1:00pm and out they come again and my mate has got a resident Examiner (Keith and rated OK).

Braking test fine then the reverse just goes hopelessly wrong. The TM is stood next to me watching and hoping his form of telepathy will work (over 300 metres) "Get the f****g lock off it NOW! No not that bloody way!! Chase it! Chase it! Oh give me strength!". My poor cab-mate has lost it in fine-style and is wind-milling the steering wheel all over the pad. (You know you are finished if you are doing that). On his fourth shunt the Examiner calls a halt and indicates for him to pull forward to start the trailer drop.

My mate had told me he was so stressed he would just bin it at this point and by 1:10pm he had. The TM and I walked over to the pad, exchange a brief dialog with the Examiner and with that, the TM climbs in the driver's seat, my mate goes middle-seat in the bunk and I climb in the passenger side.

With that we drive for home (in an awkward silence initially) but for me it is a chance to enjoy the wonderful countryside around here and all the things you can see from the M6 at this height above the hedges. Bit-by-bit our companion unwinds and we chat about the stress and nature of what we are trying to do.

Back in the yard for 2:15pm, I jump out of the cab and move the cones (reserving the bay for our trailer). Into the office and both re-book our next re-tests! Groundhog Day again!

I am going into the yard at 11:00am next Friday (27) just to do a couple more reverses then back to the yard for 11:00am Monday 2 March for my third (!) re-test on at 1:00pm.

Just to give you an idea of how bizarre this can be: behind our last test there were a bunch of Iraqi/Pakistani lads in an unmarked artic (i.e. no formal training) and the last I saw was the Examiner I had for my Rigid test getting the first of them to re-position the artic on the initial A and B cone line up. Totally screwed that to start with!

Mind how you go!

Neil

*Groundhog Day (Film) - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groundhog_Day_(film) "Phil Neil wakes up to find that he is reliving February 2 again. Everyone else is repeating the same actions as the day before, seemingly unaware of the time loop, though Phil Neil remains aware of the events of the previous day test".

*Chasing the Dragon – American drug slang.

Artic Day 4 Test Day

I failed. Three Serious faults, four Minors, though somewhat controversially with the strong suggestion from G and his manager that had I had an examiner other than the one I got the result could have been quite different.

I met my instructor in the Training Office at 6:55am and we walked over to the vehicle one more time. At least today the yard wasn't covered in ice and a skating ring as the day before. Still dark with the dawn just showing and the promise of some clear skies today.

Straight up into the cab, stow my gear and I do one more reverse. This is fine, but just not quite straight in the garage so take a small shunt to straighten up then back onto the barrier with a coupe of inches to spare.

With that we are off and now through our familiar route out of Winsford, through Middlewich to the M6 then all the way down past Keele Services to J15 and onto the A519 towards Eccleshall and the Test Centre. This is a very pretty run with the "A" road dipping and winding up and down steep hills through the woods and fields. G is giving me some advanced driving here and I am changing between Low and High 7 and Low 8 as we climb up then run down the hills and valleys and much use of the exhaust brake (when I can find it)!

One more time (good practise) through the hopelessly-tight left hand hairpin junction at Sturbridge and then into the Test Centre gates and I park in the access road to the pad with 15 minutes to spare. Time for a quick trip to the loo and then a walk-around the rig and I talk G through the uncouple-and-re-couple procedures one final time.

By now there are three trucks behind me, also here for their tests and now a little group of instructors has gathered around G (as they all know each other) and are swapping gossip and news. I climb in the cab and get my license ready. Then I see "brass" approaching in the mandatory Motorway hi-viz jackets, white shirt and blue tie. The examiner that took me for my C (Rigid) test is first and to my surprise he walks past us as does the other two whom I vaguely recognise. And then finally mine as he nears my passenger side cab door, G gives me a shrug of the shoulders and eyebrows as if to say "Don't know who he is"!

In he gets and we curtly greet each other and I sign the DL25 Test Report, all pre-headed up with my license details. He explains that he wants me to position in the braking lane but it is awkwardly offset to the right with very little length to get the trailer in straight so that means I have to take a wide sweep to the right with the unit. One of the VOSA* staff cars is parked just where I need to be so I know its going to be tight.

"Mind that car"! the examiner bawls at me. (Thinks) "What? (1) I know it's there and (2) you could get your Gran in a wheelchair through the gap between my trailer and it". So that's a great start!

Braking exercise no problem and then he gets me to stop just at the entrance to the reversing pad and shows me (yet again) a diagram of the pad and what he wants me to do. As if I didn't know. Out he gets and walks up to the start so I swing onto the pad, drive up as close as can get to the "B" cone and stop with the left "A" cone under my nearside mirror bracket.

The sun angle at 9:00am was so low that the wet tarmac on the pad was just a blaze of light and I couldn’t see the cones properly at all. I got too close to the right garage cone, took a shunt forward but didn’t make enough use of it and got the trailer blind-sided. I got that awful lead-stomach feeling knowing I had screwed it but just stopped, took a deep breath, and thought about what I had to do next. I did manage to corrected it but with loads of left and right tractor movement then got it in the garage with one more shunt (two in total so in theory OK). I switched off and got out to check the barrier – about three inches – perfect.

In the way of making conversation I commented that the low sun was making things difficult. "Oh, so you are going to be just a fair-weather truck driver then"? Oh miaow! Sarky sod. That's the last time I talk to you mate.

He then asks me to pull forward to the start of the pad to commence the uncouple-and-re-couple exercise. No problems here. I finally ask him to check the trailer brake lights for me and he asks me to stay in the cab when this is completed. I take my gloves off, climb in the cab, ignition on and dab the brake pedal. I get the thumbs-up from the rear. Then he points to the left and I indicate left and to the right and get a thumbs-up. With that he gets in and I start it up.

"When we go out of here we are turning right. Unless I say otherwise, always follow the road ahead". Me thinks "Good, that's Eccleshall out as a route". I don't like that mini roundabout at the end of the High Street.

I got a very similar route to my Rigid test. Down toward the Walton roundabout and got a "Pull in and park in safe place" on the downhill run into the village. This is to demonstrate "Moving Off on a Downhill Slope". The issue here is driving efficiently and not going through low gears unnecessarily. So it's a rolling start in 5 with a block change to 7.

Then on down the A34 towards Stafford. Up into high 8 and 50 mph (he's not going to do me for Making Progress this time). Then into Stafford from the M6 roundabout at J14 and down to the MacDonald's roundabout, "Follow the signs for Cannock and Uttoxeter". Then to the Asda roundabout and left onto the A518 heading east out of town.

Him: "Turn left at the next roundabout please"

Me: "Understood".

This is into Beaconside past the Hospital. I approach nicely in 6, signal left and drive straight on. But he catches me in time and says "Cancel your left indicator, signal right and go around again". This I did and got the correct exit this time. "Sorry" I said. This is not a fail or indeed a Minor unless you were doing it all the time.

Then right onto the Sandon road (an awkward turn where I need all the road to get around) and on to the Dog and Doublet, left onto the A51 heading north back to the A34 north, then left at the Walton roundabout. I know I am 5 minutes from the Test Centre now and am feeling pretty confident. I knew the reverse was dodgy but I hadn't hit any cones or crossed the yellow boundary lines.

I pulled in on the hill out of the village at Walton (Moving Off on a Hill) and this is so much easier in the DAF with its mighty 12-litre 330BHP diesel. Give it a bit of gas, get the clutch to bite and the cab sits up to attention, throw the park brake off and increase the revs, ease off the clutch and way we go. 3, 4, range-change to 5, 6, 7 and we are away. Up to High 7 on the top of the hill, (pre-select the splitter collar to High, off the gas and dip the clutch and with a satisfying hiss of air the 'box changes up).

Into the tight right-hander over the railway at Norton Bridge (tucked in nicely to the wall now and the trailer just on the double-whites, right at the roundabout and back into the Centre and I pull up behind a rigid waiting to start his test and switch off.

"I'm afraid you have failed" I was staggered! "Do you want your instructor present as I de-brief you"? I didn't know what to do here. "What do you recommend"? I said. "It's up to you" so I thought to Hell with it, do it now and I will recount to G later.

"You weren't in control on the reverse and got badly out of position. Though you didn't touch the cones or lines at one point you curtains were (gesturing with his hands) this far from the pole on the right garage cone" Yes I know they were you pillock, that's why I took a shunt. One Serious.

"On the Asda roundabout you were in too-high a gear and as a result laboured getting around it such that traffic subsequently approaching was held up. Had you changed down a gear we could have been away quicker" What?! That was the text-book way I have been trained to do it. Another Serious.

"And you missed some Follow-Throughs*, particularly with passing trucks on the Sandon Road to the Dog and Doublet". I am staggered! My neck muscles still ache now and I was sure that I hadn't missed any. Another Serious.

I thanked him for his time (just to be as patronising as I could and match his sarcasm) and he says cheerily "Come back and see us again!". Yes, I'm sure mate – keeps you in a bloody job.

Our instructors know whether it's a Pass or Fail from the length of time it takes the examiner to get out of the cab on our return. If it's a Fail, he has already completed the DL25 so all he has to do is de-brief the trainee. If it's a Pass there are more forms to fill in.

G appears up the steps of the cab on my side I and recount the debrief. He is as staggered as I am.

G had found out that my examiner - an unknown to him and most of the instructors – had been brought in from the Nottingham (Watnall) Test Centre as a one-off. All the Test Centres do this based on work-load. One instructor knew him and his nickname is “The Smiling Assassin”. Well that figures, meaning he appears smiley and friendly but marks outrageously tightly. I recounted to G verbatim the debrief my examiner had given me.

To give you an idea, the LGV pass rate at Swynnerton is 45% compared to a national average of 48%. Where my man comes from is 36%!! So that tells you something. And bear in mind the Isle of Wight has something like an 83% pass rate and many places in Scotland with over 60%. So what does that tell you?! In other words I could have driven and reversed exactly as I did and passed at other Test Centres.

Though the DSA do strive to get consistent marking and standards, there is inevitably personal judgement (from the examiners) and unavoidably varying standards.

I explained to G that on the reverse although I didn’t hit a cone or cross a yellow line he did me for “not showing proper control”. Of course I didn’t know this until the end of the test. Both G and later his manager said: “Never had that before”. Meaning that though I hadn’t broken any rules that we are taught, overall I didn’t convince him that I could control this thing. And that is probably a fair comment reversing. The rest of his comments are in my (and my instructor and his manager’s opinion - crap).

Regarding the Serious on the Asda roundabout for being “in too high a gear and labouring” on a clear and large roundabout (driving totally as I had been trained) G's jaw hit the floor. Apart from training new drivers and assessing experienced drivers coming for a job with them, G's role is also to monitor and re-educate employed drivers who are not seen as "fuel-efficient". All their tacho discs/cards are analysed along with their fuel usage and those that are using too much are brought in for some eco-driving education. And this is what G had taught me.

The DAF 85 with a 12-litre engine kicks out so much torque that you can readily spin the tractor wheels, even on a dry road. So as he showed me, it will pull up the side of a house in almost any gear. My guidelines were: pull off in 4 on anything other than a moderate gradient, 3 only on a hill-start. If the wheels are rolling at all (say approaching a roundabout) go in 5 and if we are into an "open" roundabout and moving, go in 6. Which is exactly what I did at Asda and the bastard gave me a Serious for it. Not amused!!

Indeed as G told me, there is a new assessment criteria coming into the test in September 09 for eco-driving. As G said "Maybe he's not up with this yet".

And as for a Serious for not doing “Follow-Throughs” for passing trucks on my mirrors (more than three Minors for the same thing = Serious). What??!! My bloody neck will never be the same again! I followed through on EVERYTHING!

So they are not going to beat me. I have a re-test next Friday at 10:30am and a morning in the yard on Thursday on “How to get out of the shit on a reverse (how to take an effective shunt)” That was my request, not my trainers. I know how to reverse this thing but not how to get out of the shit when it goes wrong.

* VOSA – Vehicle & Operator Services Agency. The people you see pulling in trucks at Checkpoints (but not our Continental friends because the consequences are too hard for them to handle so they go for "soft" law-abiding Brits who they can prosecute easily). The Test Centre also has a big MOT and inspection test bay there for trucks. With lots of cars parked where they shouldn't be!

* Follow-Through – This means that apart from all the other mirror checks we have to do, we have to check almost everything that we pass (to ensure that we have cleared them without problems). This is everything on our nearside such as (especially) pedestrians, cyclists, parked-cars, bin lorries, road works, trucks in lay-bys – well everything! And especially oncoming trucks or buses on single-carriageway roads.

Artic Day 2 and 3

I had a dreadful day yesterday (Wednesday) to the point that when I got home, I was going to phone them in the morning and jack it – I was that depressed.

Went into the depot early (7:00am) but just couldn’t get the reverse right at all and had to abandon it after six hopeless attempts first off in the yard. Then out on the roads crashed and missed gears all day and obstructed cars on two occasions and had my approach speed and positioning all wrong again.

Then on our home stretch through Middlewich got a full-blown “STOP” (emergency command) from my normally very-placid instructor as I nearly drove straight through a give-way into a line of oncoming cars. And it’s a local junction I know well!

I screwed up another two roundabouts between there and the yard and just felt so down. All I wanted to do was go home but we attempted the reverse again. Hopeless again and this time HIT a trailer in the yard with the blindside of mine!! Thankfully no serious damage.

So by last night, I wanted to give up and was about to. However good sense made me drag myself in for 7:00am again (they are extending my hours) and again at that time tomorrow.

By total contrast today has been excellent. Got three reverses in straight off, the first two without a shunt. Then a full (unprompted) uncouple and couple OK, then back to the M6 South all around Stone and Stafford and all those awful junctions we thought were too tight for the Rigid!!

After my second "pass" reverse G appears at my cab door (the instructor/examiner is not in the cab with you for this but on foot in the yard/pad), window open to the -2c morning ice conditions (for a rearward look at the back-end of the trailer) holds his hands heavenwards and proceeds to bang his head against the cab door saying "You've got it, you've go it"!! I hope I have!

After a break for a brew at yet another trailer cafe this time on an industrial estate in Stafford, we finally headed out for Sandon and the Dog and Doublet one more time and over the tight canal and railway bridges before the nasty left-hand junction onto the A51.

Onto the Stone Business Park to a quiet but wide section of straight road and using a lamppost about 200 feet ahead of us to simulate the cones at the Test Centre, practised the Braking Exercise. This is the same as the Rigid: gun it in 3, up to 5 to 20 mph the as we pass the lamppost, stop the rig in the shortest distance without loosing control. Both the DAF and the trailer have ABS so a doddle.

And that was it. Up the A34 to the A500 at Stoke, M6 J16 to J18 then Middlewich to the depot in Winsford for about a 3:00pm finish. And smiles all round from instructor and trainee. A good day; a much better day.

So if you had asked me last night I would have said absolutely no chance and that I just hadn't had enough time. If I can drive and reverse as I did today, I may be in with a chance. I feel about ready for it now.

I'm back to the depot for 7:00am again, show that my reverses today weren't a fluke (so no pressure there) then it all starts at Swynnerton at 8:45am and will be all over by 10:15am.

I'll let you know!

Neil

Artic Day 1

Where do I begin! What a learning curve today!

As it is one-to-one training I was due to do 4.5 hours today. I left the yard at 3:30pm after a 8:00am start (meant to be 12:30pm) but they are worried about the weather (snow and ice cancels tests and training of course) and have virtually put me through two days-worth today. Knackered is an understatement but a really good day. I feel I can drive this thing now. Gearbox sorted – well almost – and can read my own positions and lines on most junctions.

I think it is the sheer look of horror on pedestrian's and motorist's faces when (1) they realise this is a huge artic struggling for space in outrageously-tight town centres (Stone and Middlewich come to mind) and then (2) spot the "L" plates. At least I get a bit of sympathy.

Instructor: "Nothing for it here Neil. That artic three or four cars back has blocked the traffic coming our way, so no-one can move. You'll have to go on the kerb, but watch that pub sign and his hanging baskets with the headboard". Really, it has been that close today.

Started in the yard for reversing with no assistance and got it wrong two or three times but took a shunt to straighten up and got in OK. Lost count of how many times I did it but finally got two or three “passes”. I’m getting too close to the near side in the dock but think I can fix that tomorrow.

Then did the coupling and un-coupling exercise. Lots to remember here – the driving bit is easy enough. Having done this with Alan (Cecil) in 2006 with three Sainsbury's trailers, I knew what had to be done, but each instructor/driver has the wrinkles and tips as to how they want you to do it.

Lots to recount here but I won't go into all the detail tonight. Suffice to say that on the test, you have to secure the trailer (as if you were leaving it at a yard) with it's legs wound down (might loose half a stone by Friday – a heavy winding job!) then uncouple the (tractor) unit, drive forward then reverse it and park neatly next to the trailer with the front of the cab and trailer in-line.

Then do it all in the reverse sequence, and couple up to the trailer treating it as one (the trailer) you have never seen before. So that's the same walk-around checks (tyres, wheel-nuts, mudguards, lights, reflectors, bodywork) AND check that the MOT on the trailer is valid and check the plated weight for your cargo. (Labels on the nearside).

The final check once all connected up is to turn the lights and hazard warnings on and walk one more time around the total vehicle. As we pass the offside, walking back to the cab G points to one off the orange lights on the side crash-bars and says "Don't be a tit"!

Me: "Sorry"?

G: "Don't be a tit".

Now I really like this guy because he has my kind of (I think) humour most of the time and we get on. On the Volvo (Rigid) these were rectangular orange side-lights but on this trailer they are well – ahem – feminine boob- shaped.

Me: "Ah OK, got it – tit. But – er – why"??

G: "What's on the other side of the trailer at this point"?

Me: "Oh, with you! The trailer brake".

G: "Make sure you took it off" We walk forward to the next boob-shaped orange light and he points and says "Don't be a tit".

Me: "Got it G – make sure the trailer legs are up". (The trailer winding handle for the legs are here (on the other side).

I have lost track of time but I guess it is 10:00-10:30am by now.

Then onto the roads and I felt comfortable with this thing now. Onto the M6 at J18 (Middlewich) then foot to the floor on the limiter (56mph) , M6 South to J16 A500 east, past the Talke roundabout, down to the A50 east then onto our test routes of Longton etc and down the A520. I even got the awful mini-roundabout at Rough Close (kerbed the Rigid badly here) but got the artic through unscathed. Through Death Valley (Kibblestone) and the “Dead Slow” hairpin and towards Stone.

I've found the exhaust brake (foot pedal on the DAF) and (to my utter surprise) have sorted out the splitter and am now offering a choice of High or Low 7 on the nastier bits on this road. So good to feel in control and not frightened of this thing.

Then in to the oh-so-familiar town centre of Stone. How ridiculous is this in an artic!!

Straight off I got a “Left at the lights”. This is the hopelessly tight one with the scaffolding by the pub (mighty struggle to get a Rigid around it). And since I was in Stone three weeks ago, they’ve dug the bloody roads up. Jeez is this tight at times. But I really think I’ve cracked it and can handle this thing. A staggering achievement from where I have come from but these instructors earn their money I can tell you.

It almost feels like "I do apologise Madam, but I need to borrow part of you shop-front to get this thing around so I won't be long – if you could just move your display of vegetables and baskets we'll be through here in no time"!

I even had senior citizens and Mums with kids in Corsas reversing (!) to let us through. Well I suppose that's what 44 tonnes with "L" plates does!

Two or three circuits of this place. The confidence this gives me to handle tight spaces is worth all the pain, though my nervous tic (mirrors) has become now set for the rest of my life!

New training outfit, new butty van on the Stone Business Park. Mega-tight reverse-and-turn, cars on both sides of the road (12 inches either side).

G: "If you're not happy with this I'll turn it around". Me: "Piss Off, I'm doing it"!

And then in for a welcome brew (11:30am).

Then back through every combination of Stone for two more times then to the infamous Walton roundabout again. You know it: "More people fail here….".

Up the hill and then to Norton Bridge and this time I am tucked in so tight in to the wall I actually cleared the double-whites with the trailer (got a Minor on the Rigid test here).

The plan was to park up at the Test Centre (G needed a wee) but the approaches are totally chocker with training vehicles so we keep going to the outrageous Give Way just before Eccleshall and I learn to do this with an artic. I would have put a lot of money on being certain you could just not do this. We did!

Into a dirt-track lay-by and used the rig as a modesty screen for a wee (and a fag for G) and then on down to the A34 again and a turn north.

This was of course our "home run" for my Rigid training and so I am thinking "M6 J16 then J18 and home to Winsford. And then G with a glint in his eye says "Well you are doing well. Do you want to see Cheshire"? And I say "Well I'm up for it" (not knowing what "it" was).

Now don't ask me where I have been. Maybe some time I will look at a map and try to work it out. But we turned off the A500 at the Talke roundabout but this time took a right through Chesterton (old mining village) and headed into the country lanes. I have never been in such tight lanes in a Rigid as I did with this. Towards (if not through) Audley but at one point an escarpment with the whole of the Cheshire plain laid out before us. The distant snow-covered Welsh hills way-off in the distance and the Wirral and Liverpool landscapes in a magnificent view.

Of course I am still neck-twitching watching the line of parked cars on my left and the oncoming Puddle-Jumper (derogatory reference to a 7.5 tonner, Fisher-Price truck: driven by car-drivers with a straight four or six-speed gearbox – not truckers at all).

Eventually I recognise where I am (A500 Crewe roundabout) and we head into Crewe and then the Congleton road for Sandbach (past your old place at Halsall Green, Alan) and then left through Wheelock. I had never been through here before and never knew I wanted to on a 44-tonner! But I have no fear of "tight" now. This man (G) is good!

I can't count the number of ridiculously-tight roundabouts or junctions I have been through today. We finally get back to the yard and G tells me to park up on the right. Then says "I'm getting out of the cab now, to move those cones" (blocking a trailer-bay tight up against the warehouse side). He just says "Take all the room you want and reverse it in here".

So with that I take a big sweep right-to-left (270 degrees), pull the unit into a bay opposite the one I want (to straighten the trailer up) and reverse into the bay with a foot or so each side. Engine off and a de-brief, then into the office for an introduction to my "homework" (folder). These people are good – really good.

And tomorrow I do it all again. No doubt with the reversing that I have to get right. I will.

Night all.

Neil

Our Continental Friends

For all the hours we were together in the cab, there were lots of tales swapped. And of course plenty from Dave who has spent a lifetime around trucks.

The expansion of the EU has brought its own "opportunities" of course. You may (or maybe not) have noticed the huge increase of European trucks (especially from the East) on British roads over the last few years. You will also I hope, have got a flavour from my ramblings of how hard the British authorities are on setting standards for well – ahem – British drivers like me.

It is now a daily occurrence that cars, vans and People-Carriers on our motorways are side-swiped, tailgate-shunted and a lot, lot worse by predominantly left-hand drive East European trucks who are generally far blinder on the offside than the equivalent British truck (pulling out to the right on motorways). And that's before you notice all the bling and tat that they have filling the windscreen. I even saw a couple of potted plants on the dash of one recently! No, really, it's true!

You don't hear about it (unless it's truly horrific = multiple deaths) but believe us it is happening every day. But of course, a mere detail like this isn't going to stop the great EU project. Oh no, and not with a main-stream media that is packed with liberal-lefties.

VOSA (the government agency that controls truck standards in the UK – you will see them at truck "Checkpoints") are handing out wing-mirror aids (for free out of our taxes) to these drivers who come into our cross-channel ports. What they should be doing of course, is putting them through an assessment drive to the standard that we Brits are inspected and insisting all the bling and crap goes off the dash (including the laptops with the DVD player running. Really, it's true!) But oh no. That just wouldn't be in the spirit of a borderless EU would it? The fact that British trucks have to pay one-off road taxes as they pass through many European countries doesn't seem to count.

Dave's training team covers many functions in the organisation apart from training new drivers. They also cover fork-lift drivers and of course assessment drives for any potential driver applying for a job.

He told us the shocking tale of how no less than forty – yes forty - East-European drivers had been put through an assessment drive at Stoke over the last few years and only one had been taken on. And I really do believe him that this is nothing to do with racism or protectionism or jobs-for-the-boys. He told us many examples of guys getting in the cab for an assessment drive, and it was plainly clear that they had never been inside the cab of a truck before.

As he told us, they would look at the markings on the gear lever in obvious confusion, let alone the range-change and splitter switches. And remember that there is (sadly) no British truck manufacturing industry left now. They are all made in continental Europe or Scandinavia so there are no excuses about country-variants.

He told us of one (interpreter with him) who drove all the way from the depot to the Talke roundabout (A34/A500) – about two miles - in low range. Dave said to the interpreter "Tell him there's another four gears in the box" and she did and apparently matey just shrugged and said "Yeah yeah"! Dave stopped him at the roundabout, binned him and went back to the yard. On another occasion, he had to physically jump across the cab and grab the wheel.

And remember, these guys have got DVLA-issued C+E licenses and are presented by the recruitment agencies as experienced Class 1 (C+E) drivers. I asked Dave how on earth this can happen. Well under EU rules if you hold a license to a particular level, you are entitled to the equivalent license in another country. So Dave reckons it's either bribery with the local Mayor (issuing a truck license) or forgery or a bit of both. The DVLA, faced with the EU rules, have no choice but to issue an equivalent EU license. So there you have it.

He even told us of a group of Poles/Romanians who were on a fixed-length re-training plan or whatever. Ferries and coaches and accommodation all booked and how he came under immense pressure from his employer "to do something with them" (having rejected them all as truck drivers). So in desperation, he resorts to teaching them to drive a car (as best he can) and finally gets them on fork-lift trucks in the warehouse.

And as we found on our grand tour of the narrow lanes of Stafford, if there's an artic coming our way on the wrong side of the white lines, then look out! Ivanovitch is here complete with his DVD player and potted plant too! Enjoy this clip and by the way this is not how we do driver change-overs in the UK!

Artic traing starts Tuesday so watch this space.

Neil