Today was my mock test. Result? Fail. Two serious, twelve minors. I couldn't resist the Basil Fawlty (Hotel Inspectors) line of "But apart from that OK?"
We are not amused and neither is Dave. Oh dear.
The only thing that gives me some (selfish) solace is that Andy (who is generally driving far better than me) also failed with two Serious and four Minors. And what's worse, I didn't even spot (nor with prompting at the de-brief) what his first Serious was.
A warmer, grey day today. I was first in the seat in the yard for a couple of reverses onto the yellow-and-black board, then swapped with Andy to do the same as it was his turn to drive first so we headed over to Vale Park FC one more time, laid out the cones (video to follow) and did our reversing practise. This is sorted for us both now (the real fun starts at the next stage with the artics).
Then we had to do the braking exercise. Easy but spooky at first. We have to start in fourth, gun it, range-change up to fifth and be doing 20 mph by the time the front of the truck passes the cones. Then a controlled brake but stop the truck rapidly without locking the wheels or skidding. The Volvo has ABS which makes it easier. Dave showed us first and all of our miscellaneous coats, carrier bags, mobile phones and note-books ended up in a heap in the foot-well. The cones were just by the rear wheels!!
The hardest part for me was getting it up to 20mph before the cones. We both did it twice (this is the very first thing you do on the test to show the examiner that you can at least stop the thing).
With that completed, we pack up the kit in the back (three-piece suite still there) and Andy takes us out through Burslem to the A500 and A34 towards Stone, right at our infamous Walton roundabout and to the Test Centre where we pull into the entrance, take a wide sweep and park near the exit.
This is the House of Horrors (Test Centre).
There is another "Café" here (Portakbin) so we pull up and park for a brew. Nothing to do with the DSA, just a lay-by style bacon-butty joint but it will do for our purposes.
Then I am in the seat for my "test". Not nervous, but just aware that I am now being critically assessed. Dave has the dreaded sheet out on his clip board.
So off I go out of the Centre remembering his words earlier in the week "This is a 60 stretch for cars so if there is anything left or right, don't go". Remembered!
A few miles of "A" road and I feel OK. Then a "Park in a safe place" and I do: handbrake, neutral, but Dave is still glaring at me and saying nothing but I can't work out why. So I say "What have I done?" And he tells me to cancel my left indicator. Bother! = Minor.
And then "Left at the next junction".
We know this one well; a horribly-blind Give-Way (Treat it as a Stop: fourth and handbrake). Through there and into Eccleshall. No problems. First mini-roundabout in the high street I take in fifth – nothing coming – no problems. (Minor: Closed Junction, should have been fourth).
Dave role-playing the examiner says, "Take a left at the next roundabout". This is a very tight mini-roundabout too.
There is another 18-tonner on training coming the other way from my left. Both I and the other learner stop and stare at each other in equal horror (we both need to "pinch" some of the opposite lane to get round). My training tells me to let the obstruction through, but of course, so does his! So for what seems like an eternity we both sit there wondering who will move first. In the end I decide to act, but because I was spooked by him being there I didn't swing wide enough and kerbed it. I didn't know that I had because it had one of those lowered kerbs for the disabled and I didn't feel it.
So I had now failed 5 minutes into the test (but didn't know it). On down the very narrow A road towards the M6 J13 (Stone) roundabout and grazed the kerb three times (terrifying oncoming car-transporters, a bin lorry over the white line, and a low-loader carrying a digger that was over-hanging my side) = three Minors.
As we approach the big, open roundabout under the M6 J13 I got the "Take the third exit, Unmarked".
We have done this countless times and I know this means a right-lane, right-signal approach which I do. I also know it is an 8-to-6 block change and if we are clear, we go in 6. I change to 6, it is clear. What do I do? Change to 5 then a range-change to 4!! As Dave said later "What was all that about??!! Minor = miss–use of gears. I wish I knew why I did that and I don't. Oh how do I hate stress!!!
Left into the outrageously-tight
This is familiar ground with the long left-hander by the Seven Stars and steep bank down to the cross roads and tight bridge over the canal (exhaust brake on) then to the A51 and the Dog and Doublet. Left onto the A51 then "Take the next right turn" (to Stone).
This is a right off a major A road with a cross-hatched protected bay. I execute it perfectly, I'm down to 6 but then I recognise it and think "Oh f**k I need 4 for this, fumble the range-change, over-shoot the junction. And struggle to get her round it. Miss-use of gears = Minor (Dave: "That's if we are coming the other way you pratt"). Oh this is so hard.
Then through the nightmare of Stone (no bloody Minors - none!) the Walton roundabout,
Dave: "Park up here on the left. How do you think you have done?"
Me: "I'll get my coat"
Dave; "Fail. Big-style. Tell me why?"
Me: "Brushed the kerb three times with oncoming trucks on the road from Eccleshall down to the M6; fouled my gears on the M6 J13 roundabout. Was doing 40 in a 30 for a while (forgot to tell you readers about this one) and fouled up the gears on the turn from the A51 to Stone".
"Yes", he said "You did but there is more" (of course there was more – much more!).
"The two Serious were the kerb in Eccleshall and the speeding". The latter is easily fixed because I had a major misunderstanding in my training that this mock test has (thankfully) brought out and it won't happen again. And because of this at least six of my minors were related to this problem.
A "very good result" will be a pass with 3 or 4 Minor. A pass with 12 minors will be searching for a job with the local skip-hire firm!!
Into the café for a quick brew and scan of the papers.
Then it's Andy's turn. And I sit on the bunk at the back, green with envy at how well this 29-year-old is driving. He drives impeccably, but about 10 minutes out we meet a pair of cyclists on a tight A road, just before the brow of a hill. They are in-line behind each other, but no-way we can overtake safely. So we follow them in 4, crawling behind with a huge tail-back of traffic behind us until it is eventually safe to overtake. I didn't see a problem here, though indeed there were a few times when I thought I would have gone, but I am sitting on the high seat on the bunk top so can see much further ahead.
So we finally pass them and then we get two farm tractors and trailers doing 15mph and sit behind them for an eternity. As I have said before, a lot of it is if you have the skill to handle any situation and a lot of it is luck as to what jumps out of the tarmac on the day!
So with those past, he carries on in fine style, to a well know tight-right with lights and bollards. His approach, speed and gears are fine but then just when he is about to commit, Subaru Boy comes tear-arsing up the opposite carriageway and in that fatal split-second, Andy goes for the turn but the oncoming car rushes him. And we are talking inches here. And as soon as he had turned, I knew he had lost it: we not only mounted the kerb but nearly took the traffic lights with us!
Oh how I felt for him. As I have said: one stupid mistake.
He drove the rest perfectly and when we got back to the Test Centre, Dave asked him how he thought he had done. And of course = Fail due to the kerb incident. But then Dave told him that he too had two Serious faults. Neither Andy nor I could work it out and when Dave prompted me and said "Cyclists?" I said "Ah yes, Undue Hesitation?" (Meaning I thought he could of overtaken and he didn't) but he said "No" and told us why:
"Look, cyclists are the total horror for LGV examiners. You were right not to overtake but you followed them far, far too closely. You need to be at least, at least, as far away as that bush (pointing to a shrub 50 yards away) and it was up-hill. At one point the one at the back glanced over their shoulder, saw a bloody great truck three feet behind them and thought "f***ing Hell!" and pedalled even faster!!"
So both of us now with our tails down, we mooch into the cafe again for a brew and as I am the only one that hasn't brought any food, order a bacon sandwich.
Half-way through our break I recognise a man with a hi-viz Motorway jacket on coming our way. I know he's "brass" because he has a white shirt and a tie on under the mandatory yellow jacket. This is one of the three examiners. A gimlet-eyed chubby man in his late fifties, with a close-cut hairdo hiding baldness. Hmm, is it you and me mate on Monday? No contest: I'll get my coat now.
Confident? Not a chance. I can fix the speed problem and maybe the kerb in Eccleshall but overall this is hard and I really don't feel I am there yet. But what the hell; the pass rate is 48% and I will go and drive the circuit and if I fail will jump right back on the horse (£150 re-test fee) and do it again. I AM going to drive trucks!!
