Day 7 Test Day

As it was a wet Monday morning, I set out earlier than usual to beat the traffic and was just parking up in the depot car-park when I met my co-trainee, Andy. We both had that kind of "today is the day" smile and wandered into the driver's canteen* one more time.

Empty apart form the cleaning lady I now say "Hello" to and of course the ubiquitous plasma-screen telly on 24/7. We sit and natter with one eye on the god-awful diet the TV channels push out at this (all?) time of the day.

I recognise the lad who failed his artic a week ago this Monday (Day 2) and chat with him. Dave had said he was an odd chap who had spat his dummy out on a couple of occasions in training. But as I chatted to him more, he relaxed and there was a warm side to him. He was here to pay some dues and I asked him if he going to have another go. He told me he was an early casualty from JCB (700 gone since in the news) and that he can't afford a re-test but will when and if he can get the money together. Hard times indeed.

So then Dave bowls in and out we go into the sleet and rain (snow forecasted today). I had one question from the Show Me, Tell Me questions I wanted to check. Tilting the cab up (to work on the engine) is a fitter's thing and not a driver's but one of the questions asks how you would ensure it is secure and I had no idea. So Dave explained how the fitters jack the cab up and secure it back again. The simple answer is that it is one of the myriad lights on the dash.

With that I am into the hot seat, fill out and insert a tacho disc and off down the A34 one more time, but through Trent Valley and the Newcastle one-way system. Lots of roundabouts with no visibility. I have learnt now to look over the trees and bushes in the centre island and to the approaching position of cars and vans as you can get a good indication of which way they are planning to go and so give yourself so much more time and space.

Very aware of my speeding mishaps on Friday, I am horrified to see what I judge as my speed (from the engine pitch and gear I am in) compared to what the speedo says. To the point that I check with Dave on what he thinks the current speed limit is. When I finally stop at a Pelican crossing we realise that the speedo is reading 20 km/h at a standstill. Oh hell, we have had problems with this before.

So we pull into a lay-by and try every combination of opening and closing the tacho draw (including various combinations of thumping it) but finally accept defeat. Turning up with a defective truck means a cancelled test. So Dave calls one of his colleagues who had started a new trainee today in an identical Volvo FM7 and asks him to follow us to the Test Centre so if we have to we will swap vehicles.

Then we try one more time and as everything on these modern(ish) vehicles is driven off the computerised Engine Management System, we go for the famous re-boot (which in our case is turning the ignition off, waiting, turning it back on again and waiting for all the dash lights to go off. Each time we do this, the needle drops a few km/h and we finally get it reset to zero.

So off I go and I feel apprehensive, but comfortable and in control. Down the A34 to Stone and a couple of laps of the now well-know town one-way system and finally to a "Park in a safe place" and a change-over with Andy.

He does the similar few laps before we go to Stafford one more time and practise "Andy's Junction". This was the one he kerbed badly and got his Serious on Friday. No problems this time so we head out to the test centre and pull into a lay-bay at about 10:15am and out comes the yellow-and-black board at the tail-end so that I can "calibrate" my seat position. It looks the same as at Vale Park: about a third into the black is my ideal stop position and that will put me about three-inches off the barrier at the Test Centre.

So with that we head for the Centre and though we have circuited the entrance a few times this time we go in (gulp!) and I take the lane that leads to the test-pad. With that, Dave makes sure I have got all my documents ready (license (two parts) and Theory Test Certificates), both he and Andy wish me well, then leave me in to my fate in the cab as they depart for the Waiting Room.

I make out the shape of the Examiner heading my way and wonder of wonders! It's the baldy gimlet-eyed one. He who is feared here. With the composure of an executioner, he opens the passenger cab door and climbs in.

Him: "Neil Evans?"

Me: "Yes, that's me"

Him: "So what do I call you then?"

Me: "Er – Neil would be OK"??

Him: "Fine: now are you familiar with the test routine…..etc etc"

Me: "Very" :-(

So with that I do the braking test first. Not getting any bloody Minors for this so must have been doing nearer 35 when I hit the brakes. Examiner holding on for grim death. All sorts of things that have been lost in this truck over the last of its eight years suddenly re-appeared in the foot-well!

Then onto the reversing pad, which we have practised so many times at Port Vale FC. No problem at all and though we are trained to switch off and get out, His Nastiness says I don't have to bother (result!).

I then got my Show Me - Tell Me questions and had to walk round the truck to check my indicators and lift the front grill to show how I would check the levels, tyres, wheel nuts and drain the air tanks. That was it. Back in the cab and off we go. Oh dear!

Past the other training vehicles who were parked up for a brew at the café. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a load of thumbs-up and briefly acknowledged their support – like the sympathy for a condemned man!

Him: "Take a right on the main road".

Me (thinks): Oh thank God for that; not Eccleshall and the awfully-narrow B road to Stafford (where I got 6 minors alone on Friday).

So I'm well happy with the first couple of miles: a tight double-junction immediately after the Test Centre (7th to 4th) and then a road we know so well to the hairpin over the bridge at Cold Norton (5th) but I meet a huge artic coming the other way and in text-book style, stop and let him through before swinging wide over the double-whites to get around the left-hander.

Strange that I have killed the nerves. I am calm and determined but not confident either. I know this truck and how to control it now and this man with his clipboard and hi-viz yellow jacket will not beat me! There is a constant voice in my head saying "Don't f**k up. Don't f**k up!)

On down the B5206 towards Stone and the A34 and he asks me what I would normally be doing if I wasn't taking an LGV test (as you do!). So I chat to him briefly. This is a mix of 7th and 8th (gears) before the infamous Walton roundabout on the A34 (and don't miss the 30 signs in the village just before we get there).

I think I got a "Park in a suitable place" down here and the subsequent "Move off when safe."

Him: "Turn right at the next roundabout, that's the third exit"

Me: "Understood" (thinks) "Oh no: Stafford!"

Down the A34, making sure I'm up to 50 (Making Progress) and down to 40 in the slower bits. And then to the suburbs of Stafford combinations of which we have done so many times. I can't be exactly sure which way we went in but nothing too severe. And all along I felt in control; that nothing too bad had happened yet but no doubt he had spotted things that I wasn't aware of.

On a suburban road I got another "Pull in and park" but this time behind a parked car. This is called "Moving Off at an Angle" as you have to pull out (and potentially over the white line) to clear the car.

This means waiting until traffic behind you and oncoming is clear. But as I had waited for what seemed like forever, I started to go with some oncoming traffic. But the road was wide and they confirmed my decision as they didn't have to alter course or slow. A mistake with hindsight that cost me 2 of my 9 Minors and indeed at was only this incident that put the thought that I might fail in my mind.

As we got into the Stafford ring road I got the "Follow the road-signs AND road-markings for Telford A518" So there's a hint then!! But I know this well now but can I get my lanes-positioning, signalling, mirrors and gears all together at the same time? And the A518 means the critical tight right-hander past the station. I think I picked up a Minor through here for not signalling when I should, but better that then the wrong lane or getting lost.

And then back north up the A34 and to my surprise up the A34 again (the easier of the ways in and out), back to the Walton roundabout, a hill-start on the way out of the village and then the tight right-hander over the bridge and immediate roundabout at Cold Norton (where I met the artic on my way out) and back to the Test Centre.

I am thinking "Have I, haven't I?" but other than the Move Off at an Angle I was as happy with the drive as I could be. Pulled into the gates and parked up behinds a Bassett's 18-tonner waiting to start his test.

Gimlet-eye says "That is the end of your test. You have passed".

I kept a poker face (practise from each time I have been made redundant/sacked) and he set-to in order to complete the paper work.

"There are driving faults: particularly you are late up with the clutch and tending to roll back a little on gradients" (bugger, thought I'd fixed that) "and mirrors on change of direction. One you nearly failed on". This was the tight right-hander where the A518 to Telford (Newport Road) goes right into Station Road for the A518 north.

In Dave's words "There is a lot of work to do at this junction". You are so focussed on oncoming traffic, the state of the lights and getting the truck far enough forward to clear the back wheels (but not too far in case you can't get round) that I forgot the arse-end swing (leftwards) and nearly decapitated a Micra driver (or at least the Micra) on the inside lane.

So he fills out the DSA 10 (Pass Certificate) and takes my provisional license(s) to send off the Swansea and my official C license will be back within 3 weeks. Dave and Andy appear at my cab door and there are handshakes and congrats all round.

It's now 12 noon and Andy is on at 1:00pm so off we go with him driving around Stone and the outskirts of Stafford one more time and back to the same lay-by to put the board down and check his reverse markers. As he's 5 feet-nothing there is a difference in the marks. We pull up in the Test Centre again and Dave gets out to check-in. Andy says he's as nervous as hell and I try to re-assure him. I wish him luck, climb out of the cab and join Dave in the Waiting Room.

There's a Bassett's (Tiittensor) instructor in the room and Dave knows him well, so I get a very good insight into their banter as to how they see their world – and particularly us "punters"! (For all the years I have used that as a derogatory term for my customers it hurts!).

Then over to the cafe for a bacon sandwich, tea and read of The Sun before it is time (2:20pm) to head over the Waiting Room again for Andy's return. While we were having "lunch" we saw and old ERF C Series (late 80s)) artic pulling one of those huge cattle/sheep multi-deck trailers come into the Centre with L plates on. And into the café comes a classic 22-stone 65-year-old farmer, looking like he had been in the same clothes for the last 20 years (and probably had) who was like us, waiting for his lad/farm-hand to take his test (for the third time). He joined is the walk across the yard to the Waiting Room and he and Dave (56) got yarning about the Good Old Days.

When (proper) trucks had Gardner 160s (BHP – your average artic is 400 up to 600 BHP V8 these days) and Eaton Twin-Splitter crash gearboxes (no synchromesh) and how you had to stand up to pull the steering wheel around corners and how they had to burn tyres on the top of Shap Fell to keep warm in the snow in winter and how they slept on a plank laid across the cab windows. "Now these lads (evil look at me) don't know how easy they've got it".

Finally I see the familiar Volvo front-end enter the Centre and Andy is back. And the great news is he has passed too with 6 Minors. So we join him in the cab and congratulations all around and then Dave asks me to drive home, unless I would like him to. You must be kidding, I need my fix now!

So back up the old route you all know, A34, A500 to the Talke roundabout and one stop down the A34 to the depot. I take the Volvo once around the depot this time and park in the (tight) entrance to the truck-wash so that Dave can clean her off for next session. We said our goodbyes and then Andy and I walked back to our cars and chatted about where we go from here. And that's a story for another day.

Well a really great result all round but there are some buts. Well this is life after all"!

Night all,

Neil

*Driver's Canteen – a set of open-sided Portakabins all bolted together, sitting on top of the similar structure below (The Transport Office). The word "canteen" conjures up the idea of food and people cooking food and sustenance but oh no; just a row of vending and microwave machines, a PC for Internet access (no doubt locked down to just about everything other than Hotmail and BBC News) and a plasma telly that was ordered without an Off button (so on 24/7).