The Egg Run

No, not Easter Eggs - but the ones I never even wondered about where they came from (well hens of course) – let alone how.

I can tell you now though: with a load of hassle and stress. That's when you have 16 pallets of the buggers on at half-a-ton a pallet! My learning curve continues. Thankfully I have done a lot more driving since this fateful day and the good news is: it does get easier.

The call from the agency was straight forward enough: there was a Class 2 job the following day delivering eggs locally – about three or four drops. An 0530hrs start quite near to me though at a farm I didn't know.

Having said I'd do it I did wonder why you needed a Class 2 truck to deliver eggs. I had in mind a van and a few dozen eggs in a box nipping around the local corner shops. Ah well, no point in guessing.

It was still dark and raining heavily when I set out for the farm and had some trouble finding it at first. Then spotted a typical farm entrance with an "Eggs for Sale" sign on it and in I went.

The yard was a bustle of activity with four or five trucks, engines running and lights on as other drivers prepared to depart for the day. One character came over to me and asked me to follow him, so I grabbed my kit and duly did. Sitting under a canopy, lights on, engine running was a very large ERF EC11 three-axle 26 tonner.



I was already feeling anxious as you do in any new, unknown situation and the butterflies feeling increased when I saw the ERF badge for surely they have the dreaded Eaton Twin-Splitter 'box do they not? Well the C series that I had a trip as a passenger a while back certainly did. I had read about them and sort of understood but never experienced one.

My host (and boss) explained that he was driving too and in a hurry to get away.

"All the paperwork is in the cab and you'll find some tacho discs there too. There's 16 pallets on, the one at the back is you first drop – a farm I haven't been to but it's just off the A34 at Congleton. Six for a big food firm in Doncaster – you might get held up tipping there – and the rest for a farm in Melton Mowbray. Oh and they'll load you with a back load too. My mobile number is on the paperwork if you get stuck. Gotta go…"

I asked "Er – is there a fuel card – and what do I do with the truck and keys if I'm back late"?

"Oh, you won't need any fuel, it's full now. And you'll be back by lunchtime. See ya" and with that he'd gone.

I thought back to the briefing call from the agency. Doncaster? Melton Mowbray? Local drops?!! Back by lunch time?

I chucked my bag in the cab, did my walk-around checks, climbed in and filled out a tacho disc (that's a first as all my other jobs have been digi tachos) sorted out the seat, plugged in my satnav. Then time to familiarise myself with the controls - and to my horror I saw this:



By this time there was just me and the ERF in the yard as all the others had departed. I put the first drop in the satnav and looked at the route: Across the M6, A500 then up the A34 towards Congleton and it was indeed just off the main road about 30 minutes drive from here.

Time to worry about this gearbox. On closer inspection of the gear lever I was relieved to see it had a range change lever like the Volvo and DAFs I trained on with a splitter on the right too. So perhaps it wasn't the newbie-feared Twin-Splitter after all but the later Roadranger box.

Well here goes. It was now 0600hrs and getting lighter though under a dark sky but at least the rain had stopped.

I never knew how heavy eggs were. Wow this truck takes some moving so my first few bends and roundabouts out of the village were very cautious. I was pleased how the range change came back to me quickly enough as all my jobs to-date had been on straight-six 18 tonners. And as the day progressed (or got worse!) I needed and was glad of all 16 of them.

Across the M6 and on down the A500 to the A34 and at least we are getting the feel for the truck now. So far so good. The TomTom showed us getting close to our first drop and gave me a "Right turn ahead". Then I saw the dreaded sign:



Oh bother! Or words to that effect. I pulled in to the side and considered what to do. My road atlas (4 miles to the inch) didn't have enough detail but I could see the road the stanav wanted me to turn into and indeed this was the only way in from the A34. I could also see that there was a railway line and canal close together and running parallel to the main road. I have learnt very quickly that canals and railway lines equal bridges problems (either height or weight limits) so for sure this was my problem.

What now? No good phoning the boss as he said he hadn't been here before. Maybe I can get at it from the other side of the railway and canal?

Indeed there was another main road a couple of miles to the east but this would mean a big detour into Congleton and back towards Biddulph. Yep, that's what I'll do, so I put a couple of waypoints in for Congleton and Biddulph and off I went.

Bad decision of the day Number One!!

It was only just after 0630hrs so no-one around to ask and at least the town centre was traffic-free as I navigated around the lights and roundabouts and then off back south again on the A527. I found the turning I wanted and at first this didn't look too bad.

But then the lanes got narrower and steeper and I began to worry. The odd tree branch clattered on the roof of the body as I struggled with the splitter. But then finally we started to descend again. This is where I really felt the weight we were carrying as the truck would start to run away alarmingly on the steep hills. All the 18t trucks I have driven had exhaust brakes and I really needed one now. Though the ERF had a pedal where I expected to find it, it didn't do anything so I just relied on a low gear and hoped the brakes held.

Only a mile and a half to go and I was beginning to feel relieved when I met this:



Oh no! I'd found the same bridge but from the other side and worse still my only way ahead had a 7.5t restriction on it. Now what?

I was all but blocking the road so pulled in just short of the junction. Though still early the locals were starting to move and cars were crawling past the back end of the truck. There was no chance of a reverse to find a turning point for if anything the lanes gat narrower further back. And I didn't know what ahead and right held (spotting the "Except for Access" bit). I reckoned I could just turn around here, though it would be a 15-point rather than 3-point turn!

I mentioned guardian angels in my last instalment – and here he was again. Or rather the brotherhood (and sisterhood) of truck drivers. One of the cars pulled in ahead of me and a bloke with a well-known builder's merchant badge on his fleece got out and walked up to the cab window.

"You lost mate"? Somewhat of an understatement. "Who you looking for"? I gave him the name on the delivery note.

"Never heard of 'em. What's the address"? I told him. "Oh that will be John Rimmer's place – you're almost there. Just over the bridge up the bank over the canal and you're there",

"I can't cross that bridge with this – it's a 26 tonner" I said.

"Yeah, I drive one of these too (EC11)" pointing to his badge "I'm on my way to work now. You can't have that much weight on can you"? (Looking at the "Eggs" logo on the truck). "You bet I have" I said "I reckon I'm on my limit".

"Well go right here and take the next left over the railway. Bloody tight mind you but you'll just get round".

"But what about the 7.5 t restriction?" I asked.

"It's all 7.5t round here now so you've got no choice"

Whether it was my hesitation or the croak in my voice I don't know because he then said "Come on, I'll take you there. It's not out of my way". I could have kissed him.

And with that we were off, him with his hazard lights on and me behind him. All I needed now was the "Convoy Exceptional" sign as I had my own escort.

At the bridge he over-emphasised the line for me to take (that I would of done anyway but he had clocked I was new) and it was indeed tight.



It took a couple of shunts to get round and then we pulled up at a farm entrance. With that he pointed to the entrance and was about to drive off but I got out and shook his hand warmly and thanked him. What a nice man!

Into the drop and a tight yard and a struggle to get the first pallet off but we managed.

With that, the Doncaster drop went into the satnav and it routed me to Buxton, Chapel-le-Frith and the A625 over the Pennines.

Stuff that, I thought, I've had enough of hills and tight roads (I knew that route from my selling days – manageable but not after the morning I've had so far. So I went into Congleton for the second time, then out to M6 J18, M62 to the M18 and south to my drop.

So what went wrong?

Well I panicked when I saw the first weak bridge sign and didn't see all the information that was there. Apart from the 10t restriction, underneath it said "3/4 mile ahead" but as the red mist descended (the inability to think clearly in a crisis) I didn't take that in. Had I done so, and used the Browse Map function on the TomTom I would have seen that the drop was only ¼ mile down the first turning and well before our weak bridge.

That detour cost me over an hour on my schedule and took me over a local beauty spot called Mow Cop only to land me back on the opposite side of the bridge to the drop. When I told the boss that on our debrief he said "I'm surprised there were any bloody eggs left". You and me both mate!

So with that I set off for Doncaster but was now going to run out of hours before I got there so would need a 45 on the way and we pulled into Hartshead Moor at 0945. I felt exhausted already!

And finally to our second drop. There was an artic ahead of me so I pulled in and sorted out the route to my last drop of the day. Here we are waiting to tip.



I learnt later that this truck was a bit of a beast with a 430bhp Cummins under the cab. It had originally been an artic tractor unit and stretched specifically for this type of work. Apart from my bad start to the day (and bad middle of the day to follow) I really enjoyed driving the now-gone great name of British truck manufacturing. And having to use a range change and splitter for real was a great experience too.

The yard was tight and their style here is they wanted me to unload from the rear doors but not on a bay. So that meant pumping each pallet to the rear of the truck so that the FLT could get at each one.

It reminded me of those plastic puzzles you use to get as kids with sliding plastic squares in a frame with just one empty space. Trying to swing a ½ ton pallet through 180 degrees in the back of a truck is something else that you don't learn in your HGV driver training!

1215hrs and I'm tipped and away down the M18, A1 and A614 towards the A46 and Loughborough. Through Sherwood Forest and this is as driving should be. Two drops behind me, the open road ahead and wonderful views of the countryside. What could go wrong now?



Roadworks on the A46, that's what.

Mile after mile of temporary roadway and roundabouts. The TomTom showed that we were driving in fields most of the time and was of course totally confused as indeed was I. Then on one roundabout (temporary, new and in a field) there was one of those yellow signs that had every road on that you could think of but not the A46 South. Or at least I didn't see it if it did.

I took my best guess and before long we were back on the original route (or so I thought) and the TomTom seemed to know where we were. Then it gave me a "Take the next left turn". I wasn't expecting this as I had a note of the road numbers and I was looking for the A6006. Still, the turning looked major (and big enough) so I turned left.

Bad decision of the day Number Two!

The "major" turn got narrower and narrower. To a T-junction and gave me a left turn. Then this:



Oh dear, a dead-end on a posh housing estate is no place for a 26 tonner. And of course you can't do anything quietly with something this size with the hiss of air-assisted everything on every pedal movement or gear lever movement.

A couple of kids on bikes stopped to watch. Then fetched their mates. Residents stopped gardening or came out to see what the fuss was all about. Well, me trying to turn this monster around without wrecking their grass, kerbs or street furniture.

Then like some sort of bad dream I couldn't remember which lane I had come in from so ended up here:



By now the posse of kids were following me as I found somewhere to turn without leaving too deep a rut on the grass.

A concerned resident looked threatening so out I got an apologised. He asked me where I was looking for and I told him.

"Oh that's over there" he said pointing in the direction that I and the TomTom knew. It's just that there wasn't a road to get there. I explained that I wanted to get back on the A46 and he kindly gave me safe directions to do so.

"It's the roadworks on the A46. We've had a few of you lot up here before".

I finally escaped and following his directions, found the A46 South again and on to my drop.

By now the horror dawned on me that I was going to run out of hours at this rate. There was no way I could get back within my second 4.5 hours so I would have to take a 45 as soon as I could and I reckoned I had enough hours (just) to get back within my 10hours (hadn't used any this week).

I found the last drop, a very remote farm almost a mile across fields on a single-lane track from the entrance.



There was an artic ahead of me unloading, so I told them I was here and set the tacho to Break again.

Nine pallets off (all hand-pumped again) and seven back on (more bloody eggs!) Why I'm taking back what looks just the same as those that I brought down is beyond me. But I'm here to drive not to reason why so I will.

Back towards Nottngham (where it all started for me on my first trip), through the ring road and on to the M1 south and A500 once again. To add to my troubles, the battery had died in my Bluetooth headset and I had been ignoring the phone ringing as I came through Nottingham as had enough to do without being done for using a mobile while driving.

Uh oh! Missed Calls said it was the agency so I found a lay-by and called.

The client was very unhappy. Where the Hell was I? Why was it taking me so long? Was I dragging the job out for more pay? They needed the truck to load for the following day. Charming!

The stanav ETA said I'd be there for 1715 so I relayed that to the agency. They were fine and supportive and when I told them where I'd been and the problems I'd had they advised me how to handle the debrief with the client on my return.

I pulled into the yard exactly 12 hours after I had arrived that morning with 488 kms on the clock and spotted a very stoney faced "boss" who immediately did a walk around the truck looking for damage (I imagined). I got all my gear together, wrote up the tacho and my notebook and climbed out. He asked me to wait in the office (oh dear – a bollocking on the way I fear) while he reversed it to where he wanted it to load for the morning.

I have spent my life in customer-facing situations of one sort or another and often they have been unhappy customers (no, it's not me; it's how life is!!). As I explained my difficulties and as we chatted, he seemed to warm a little and was eventually sympathetic and even relieved that the job had been done. There was no damage to the vehicle or cargo and I even offered to take a hit on money if he thought I was swinging the lead. He didn't accept that offer (thankfully) and we parted on as best terms we could.

Somehow I don't think this client will be asking me again, but it was great experience and all part of my learning curve. And next time I get lost I WILL stop and think and not assume anything and blindly follow the satnav ever again. But even the agency later told me they had checked the route and run and reckon it couldn't have been done in much less time that I had done (allowing for my two major delays)

Mind how you go!

Neil

The Game Commences

The first job can be daunting for most of us and it certainly was for me. So here is my experience in the hope that it will help others.

As many advise, take a deep breath and just get on with it: when you walk out of the yard at the end of that day (hopefully with the truck intact and the job completed) that's another milestone. And it wasn't that bad was it?

I passed my Cat C first time in January 2009 then immediately went into C+E training and test(s). Oh dear – test with an 's' on the end. But that's another story one day.

As a result of a number of factors, I didn't start looking for Cat C work so the new career went on hold until recently. My first Cat C job was made worse by the fact that I hadn't been in the cab of a truck since I failed my third C+E test in March 2009 (and at the time, never wanted to see the inside of one again!)

I have no choice now but to seek driving work so in addition to phoning the local haulage firms and mailing my CV, I registered with two agencies. Both indicated that emergency call-out would be the only likely way to start and the message was clear: keep your phone turned on. I did.

And for the first four weeks nothing happened, other than I got totally disillusioned of course. Chasing phone calls were met with the usual reality that there's not much Cat C work around at the best of times, let alone for a newbie. Of course if I had C+E there was any amount of it!!

I started to get some van work, but always on the day with less than an hour's notice (to drive to Scotland and back) and none of us like that. But it worked eventually.

One Wednesday, 12:00pm and the agency calls: am I available for an immediate Class 2 job to Nottingham and back with one drop? I felt sick at the thought but knew I had to do it so grabbed my bag (all pre-packed as it has been for the last number of weeks) with gloves, high-viz vest, TomTom, maps, tacho discs, tacho paper rolls, baby wipes, phone charger, mini mag-lite, pens, phone earpiece etc and set off for the client's depot 15 miles away.

This was a small industrial estate with a common security lodge and gate. The gateman asked me to park in the car park outside the gate and gave me directions to the client's area. All I had from the agency was a "Gate 3 and ask for Mike".

I found the company and Gate 3 and sitting very obviously where it shouldn't be was an urgent delivery in the form of a rather tired looking 02-plate Merc Atego 18t Curtainsider.



Uh-oh, I think they have slap-over boxes and I've only used a four-over-four. Inside the warehouse was a small office with three hair-net clad guys on the phone or peering at computer screens.

I introduced myself to one who pointed at "Mike", who turned out to be the Transport Manager in the middle of a difficult and seemingly very urgent phone call. Mike broke off from his call momentarily and asked one of the warehouse guys to direct me adding that it was all ready to go and full of fuel. Well that's two things I don't have to worry about I thought: loading the vehicle and fuelling it.

The warehouse guy took me to the Merc and said everything was ready; delivery notes were in the cab, keys were in. I was relieved to see that it didn't have a tail lift – another thing less to worry about – but I did check with him that the customer would have an FLT to unload me at the other end. He confirmed they would. Thinking about the return trip I also confirmed they were manned 24/7 (it was now 1:45pm) so I knew it would be into the evening by the time I got back. And with that he'd gone saying he'd phone the customer to say I was on my way.

I climbed in and had a look around. Oh dear, like a skip on wheels inside but what did I expect. Just wipe your feet when you get out! First things first, in goes the Digicard (a Siemens/VDO tacho but badged "Volvo" – I'd never seen one or been trained, just used the software simulator) so at least the meter is running so to speak while I sort myself out.

To my surprise (and relief) it has a straight-six gearbox. Well I never knew that but I do now (and thanks Peter Smythe on Truck.net):

You'll find that a range change on 18t is not common. A lot more on 3 axles +. You have to pass a test on 8 speed as the licence covers you for plenty of motors with range change. But I always think it's a bit tough if you only ever drive 6 speed 18 tonne

So that's something else not to worry about: no slap-over box and range-change on this trip then.

I sorted out the TomTom and turned it on, but first the vehicle checks. Lights and four-way flashers on and out we go for a walk around. All vehicle checks seem in order. There's no seal on the rear doors so I open one up and I've got about 8 pallets of shrink-wrapped material loaded down the centre line and all looking secure. Close the doors and check the curtain straps and into the cab and start her up.



There are four sets of delivery notes on the engine box, all for the same company and postcode. I had no other brief from them as regards delivery other than they were all in one drop. I knew the customer name from my previous career but didn't know them in Nottingham or indeed have a clue where I was going. I put the postcode into the TomTom and thankfully it found it.

I did a quick browse of the route looking for low bridges (I had downloaded the low-bridge POI files a while back) and double-checked it on my trucker's atlas to make sure: nothing obvious came up.

So here we go: a deep breath and we'll try second gear for starters (from 7.5t experience) and that seemed about right. Through the small estate to the gatehouse, thumb-up to the gateman who lifted the barrier and out we go.

I had never been to this corner of the county and was totally disorientated when I joined the access roads. It was just one roundabout to the main A500 dual carriageway but Dubya (George W on the TomTom – really upsets the lefties!) told me to go left and I foolishly did.

This meant that my first 5 or 6 miles were not on near-motorway standard roads but winding country lanes and a small village but hey, nothing like the deep end to get you into it. I was both surprised and pleased at how readily it came back to me after a 2-year break and didn't feel that new at all. Some of the bends and dips were narrow but I managed not to hit anything or kerb it.

Finally onto the A500 and across the M6 and pulled into a lay-by. I wanted to sort a few things out now out of the gaze of my client. The curtain strap tails were loose on one side so I sorted that out. The air-sprung seat controls had me foxed in the yard so I sorted that too and found my sunglasses that I'd mislaid as the glare was really annoying me; and off we went again.

Through Stoke on the A500 and onto the A50 and joined the other trucks in procession at 53mph or whatever. On to the M1 north and one junction up to the A452 and into Nottingham and the Brian Clough Way (no really, it's true!)

I never have liked this city: an odd mix of urban A roads and dualled ring-roads and a city-centre one-way system that even Wogan once commented on. He said he got lost in the one-way system and was there for months! In my selling days I would have been too but on the umpteenth attempt at escape drove straight through the covered bus station (to howls of abuse from officials) as the only visible way out or I'd still be there now! Still I digress.

The A road narrowed and roundabouts became more frequent as I got closer to the city centre. Then on a major roundabout I took a wrong left turn and ended up in a residential side street. Bother! Time to practise the reversing. But if there are guardian angels for newbie drivers they were working today for there was a garage ahead on the right. It had a canopy but enough space to get around in (just) so that was in one end and out the other avoiding the canopy that said it was a couple of inches lower than our travelling height.

And then on to my "You have arrived at your destination", a mini-roundabout in front of a major entrance to a very large company (whose name was not on the delivery notes and bore no logical connection to them) apart from which there were large signs saying "No HGVs" and "No Visitors". Oh dear, what now?



It was either turn right or back the way I had come so right it was. A narrow-ish road through a mixture of residential and industrial sites. I found a place to pull in by a large entrance to one such site.

I phoned the client and asked for Transport, but it dropped to voicemail so left a message asking could they call and confirm the delivery point. Meanwhile I put the road name on the delivery notes in the TomTom and it gave me a route some 4 miles across town to a totally different postcode.

So off I went back through the urban roads and ring road and got to the road address. This looked more hopeful with a number of large manufacturing or distribution operations around. Having driven the length of this road looking for the customer name, I finally ended up at the rear entrance to the original company (well it is a very large site). I pulled up at the gatehouse just in time to notice the "No HGVs" sign.



Put a man in a uniform and it spells trouble: put him in a lodge with smoked glass windows and a computer to play with and we are in real trouble. We were! With the weariness of a parent at the end of their tether with a toddler, he explained that he just didn't understand how the likes of me could drive past "a bloody big yellow sign saying deliveries this way" as I had. At least he then produced a photocopied map with the route to where I needed to go highlighted in yellow marker pen. Of course the fact that the name on the delivery note (that I had shown him) still bore no resemblance to the company name he represented didn't seem to bother him. (Well it wouldn't because he knew what I didn't)


Could he lift the barrier so I could turn around? Only just, so long as I didn't drive on his grass. Thankfully we have the measure of this Merc now and we didn't. After another wrong turn and encounter with a different gateman (un-related company) we finally queue behind a couple of artics to get into the site. I tell the gate I don't know where I'm going so they give me another map, this time of internal roads and buildings and I'm bound for D95. Ah yes, some of you know where I am now for sure!



Once inside we find the building and yard and park to one side out of the way of the loading bays. There's an artic with the curtains open unloading and an FLT running about. I head for the office sign in the corner clutching the delivery notes and a toot from the FLT horn attracts my attention. The driver beckons me over. "Just unloading this one and I'll be with you next. Pull in where he is when he goes".

I sat in the cab and considered what to do now. I knew I couldn't get back within the 4.5 hours so knew I would need a 45 minute break at some stage. Could I take a 15 minute now? Hmm – hard to judge how long he will be as he's almost empty. Besides not sure what I do if I set the tacho to Break then have to move the vehicle before the 15 mins is up (note to self to find out). So I didn't bother and just left it on Other Work.

But then as the last pallet came off, the FLTs started loading stacks of empty pallets, so I could have booked it as a break. Oh well, we shall learn.

Finally he closes and secures his curtains and he's off. I take his place, hand in the delivery notes and open the curtains on one side (there's only a central stack of pallets on this load). Two forkies buzz in and out and in no time I'm tipped, curtains secured, a quick loan of their key and a trip to the loo and we're off for home.

It's now bang-on rush hour so it takes ages of stop-start crawling to get out of the city and to the motorway but eventually we manage and head south down the M1 and onto the A50 again. This is plain driving and uneventful though from my watch I'm getting critical on the 4.5 hours so will need to find a lay-by before too long. I decide I can get through Stoke in time and plan to stop just before crossing the M6. Frustrating as I'll only be a few miles from the depot, but can't risk busting the rules on my first trip.




From my accumulated time (based on the time I left the depot) and looking at the ETA time on the TomTom, there's no way I can get back in time so I pull over into a lay-by and switch off.



Time to find out how to put the tacho into Break mode and in so doing inadvertently flip to screen that shows my accumulated driving time. And hey, it says 3 hrs 50 mins and I'm only 15 mins from home. So let's go for it and I did!

Thumb-up again to the gateman (or his mate) I'd left at lunchtime, into the yard, now full of vehicles being loaded, parked against a wall out of the way and wandered into the warehouse to find the night shift. "Where do you want the truck and the delivery note copies?" I ask of the first bloke I meet. He takes the notes and says leave the keys in it and leave it where it is. I climb back in the cab, run through the end of shift bit on the tacho, gather all my kit, write up my notes and I'm outa here. It's just gone 7:00pm and I'm over the moon as I pull out of the car park in my own vehicle having completed my first trip.

Sure, a comparative doddle in an oversized puddle-jumper compared to what it could have been and for sure will follow - but a start and the next one won't feel half as bad even if it's tail-lifting cages down the high street or pumping pallets off a tail lift or running a fridge too.

Until next time,

Neil

Welcome Back

Well as I'm now driving for a living, I thought it was time to dust off this blog as the experience is building quickly now and lots of stories to relate.
 

The abrupt end to my reports resulted from failing my third artic test on Monday 2 March 2009. I had not set myself any pre-conditions (that I would pack it in if I didn't pass this time) in fact just had the view that I would keep going until I did pass. But as my instructor drove way from the test centre on that fateful day something had changed inside and I just knew that (for the moment) I couldn't carry on.
 

I think it was the collapse in confidence and perhaps the feeling that I wasn't really in control of events. This time, there was no sudden serious error that meant an immediate fail, just an accumulation of minor errors for the same problem: steering (as they call it). More really about where those wheels on the last axle on the trailer are on roundabouts and junctions. You are allowed up to four "minor" faults for any one category and the fifth means you get a "serious" and that's a fail.
 

So near and yet so far - and I must have been marginal because the examiner took me round Stone Business Park and Stone itself several times to the point that we were out for well over the 90 minutes and that he was late for his next candidate. Very rare apparently.

The reverse had gone perfectly (well I've done three of them now on test so it should!). Though my instructor had tried to re-create a potential problem with the uncoupling several times during training he never could, but had warned me and explained what to do if it happened. Well of course on test number three it did.

This is where with some wear in the kingpin (the bit on the trailer that attaches the trailer to the tractor unit), the handle on the fifth wheel jams and you can't pull it to disengage the coupling. After a couple of attempts we managed.

The drive was uneventful other than I kissed the nearside kerb with the trailer wheels up by the school at Ecceshall. Very narrow there. Not a fail, (one minor) but this set the gimlet-eyed examiner (yes, him – the same one as I had on my Rigid test) on to me so from here on he was watching trailer position like a hawk.

I also got possibly the worst junction on the test routes turning left out of Holmcroft Road on to the A34 north but managed to get it round (just). The last trailer wheel was too close to the kerb for my comfort but either he didn't see it or was happy enough as he didn't mention that in the de-brief.

There was the roundabout coming out of the Business Park where the single carriageway splits into three lanes. He gave me a "straight on" so I took the middle lane (correct as marked on the road) but that left the trailer wheels half blocking the inside lane. A second minor.

He didn’t like the way I took a corner in Stone (though I did as I had been trained) and at the tight left by the BP garage, the trailer wheels were tight to the kerb so as I pulled onto the A34 south again, I had to cross right into the outside lane of the dual carriageway to clear the wheels. Third minor.

I can't remember what the other two were as he didn't mention them. Just "I'm afraid you haven't met the required standard".

As G drove us back up the M6 he asked "What now?" and I knew this time it was different.

"I don't know mate" I said "I really don't know. I'll have to think about it".

Back at the depot I talked through some options with him. 

He said "Look you can drive that thing with no problems. I would have no hesitation in giving you a loaded trailer and sending you off to the other end of the country with it. I've seen far less capable lads than you come back with artic passes and some first time".

I wondered about getting some experience on Rigids first and then maybe trying again later. But for the moment I shook his hand, thanked him for all he done and we parted.

And that left me in no-man's land: unable to get straight to artics and not wanting to bite the bullet of Rigid work that would mean multi-drop, builder's delivery, skips or even the bins.

So for next two (wasted) years I lived off savings whilst trying futilely to get back into IT sales from whence I came. With the money running out and depression setting in with a vengeance, I picked up the phone to the agencies at the beginning of June and went through the registration process.

For the first month nothing happened (even more depression) but then I got a break and a couple of van and minibus delivery jobs popped up (on the day – to Scotland and back!) and I took them. After that came my first Class 2 job (Cat C – Rigid) and from then on I haven't stopped and am even turning work away now as I can't fit it all into the legal requirements of drivers hours.

More tales to follow soon as the reality of the actual job of being a truck driver leaps out and grabs me (as opposed to learning to pass a test).

N

Groundhog Day*

I took my artic ret-test on Friday (20 Feb) – and failed. Again! Oh the stress and the pain!

The preceding Thursday was a good day: 8:00am to 12:30pm mainly on reversing practise in the yard. To my delight, G had been assigned to me again (as I had been initially re-assigned to the Training Manager whose style is different and I didn't want that).

I was surprised to see the (tractor) unit outside the garage (not the "pretend" one we reverse into but the real one where they service the trucks). G explained that it had been serviced the day before and that they weren't happy with the brakes (binding) so there would be a delay while they fixed that. This was ideal: I knew what I wanted to fix was the "shunting" to make the most of a bad situation on the reverse. I had played with some artic model trucks over the weekend (my children were fascinated to see the white dining table marked out as a reversing pad with empty 8mm pistol cartridge cases - just the right size - as cones)!

So we took a similar artic model and went through what was bothering me on the office desk tops. Sorted! Now all I have to do is translate that into something 16.5 metres long (55 feet in old money).

It was finally decided that the fitters weren't going to get to us for a while so off we went to the rig in the yard and I started lots or reversing practise.

The first bit of good news is that we fixed why I often do everything perfectly but loose getting the trailer straight on the final dock in the garage. This is Chasing the Dragon* Headboard and I wasn't doing it. Now I know it's sorted.

Then we had several "now get out of this" situations. On one, as I lined up for the start, the bastards moved the whole "garage" set of cones nearer to me by about 10 feet (I didn't see them do this). As I came around the "B" cone I thought WTF!? I was miles out. Why? So the pair of them (G and the Training Manager) appear at my cab door and say "Right now what are you going to do"? Me: "Turn it off and go home?"

But this was good and taught me how to get out of a serious "out of position" which had failed me last time.

With a few more "perfect" and un-aided reverses we went out onto the roads around Northwich where I had done the original artic assessment drive at the end of January. This was just to get me "test fit" again after a few days off. G was great and tells me he's not going to say anything unless we get into a dangerous situation. And we do all the tight junctions we did without problems and lots more too. And what it proves is that I am now not "driving by numbers" ("You need to be in 5 by this post box" etc) but making my own assessment of the type of junction and positioning accordingly.

We find a bacon-butty van on the A49 south of Acton Bridge (very near to me for a brew) and finally retrace our steps to the depot. I am as happy as I can be for the re-test in the morning (Friday).

Test Day

To get my re-test in they had to double me up with another lad doing his first artic test on this day. So the plan was I would get into the depot at 8:00am (now with the Training Manger) and do a couple of reverses and a trailer drop and re-couple. Perfect each time. I've really cracked it this time! Just as I as doing a final reverse (after the re-couple) I spotted my trainee-mate for the day watching.

Then (8:30am) he gets in and immediately I could tell this guy had no chance. He did get a couple in but with loads of assistance and shunts and I really felt for him. Then by 9:00am the TM puts me in the cab for the drive down to Stafford. So on I go through Middlewich to the M6 and down to the A500 (J16) and on down the A34 to Stone. One more time around this place (suited to Morris Minors not artics!) and then to the Test Centre. As I drove in I thought to myself "I hope this is the last time I see this freaking place" and nearly said just that but fate stopped me. Wisely as it turned out!

At least it is a warmer day, with the sunshine putting some warmth on our backs and I notice the Daffs and Snowdrops springing through the grass verges on the prettier bits of this place. The pad is still too bright for choice but we shall manage.

I am second in line behind a Bassett's artic waiting for test and there is another artic behind me. This causes problems (3 x artics together) as we have to wait while each does a trailer drop and re-couple, though the later ones sometimes have to do this at the end of their test. (I wouldn't like that).

Come the appointed hour, out come the "Three Musketeers" (Examinerss) and to my horror the Smiling Assassin (the one who failed me last week) climbs in my cab. My heart sank.

As soon as he recognised me the mood changed. He had clearly remembered me and was totally amused (in his own little world) that I had the misfortune to get him again! In actual fact it relaxed the proceeding and we joked a lot about coincidences and of course it cut all the pre-amble down as he knew that I knew what had to be done. He summarised it and said "Look at the end of the day, you are the man behind the wheel and you know what we want from you". And of course he is right.

One more time onto the braking pad (no VOSA car in the way this time) and then onto the reversing pad.

The reverse was fine (though I took two shunts to get it straight in the garage) but that was marked without problems. Trailer drop and re-couple no problems.

"Where did we go last week?" He asks me. I am thinking it was a very easy route and I would like that again please, even to the point of saying "I can't remember"! Him: "I remember: Stafford. So we won't go there then!" Bugger!

Then out of the Centre right to Norton Bridge and the Walton roundabout, left up the A34 to the Trentham roundabout then all the way up to the pub and railings at the right turn into Belgrave Road B5038 then right at the roundabout and onto Lightwood Road A5005 back towards Stone. Through that awful mini-roundabout by the pub at Rough Close and no kerbs (I kerbed the Rigid badly here and now I can get an artic through it!)

I got no less than fours cyclists at different parts of the route that are a nightmare to get past in a truck (because you need so much length of road) but managed them all without incident (or more to the point Minor or Serious faults).

Then through Death Valley (Kibblestone) and well before the hairpin bend I clouted a branch with the nearside wide-angle mirror (very high on this DAF) and shattered the lens. Game over. Bollocks!! "Contact” (hitting something) = fail.

As the Examiner said later: “You spoilt an otherwise very nice drive with that”.

Knowing I had failed I told him so but, said I would attempt to get us home without any more errors. So into Stone and then right at the nasty tight-right-hander towards Newcastle, then left-lane into the narrow bits and over the canal to the tight left-hander by the BP garage on the A34. (This is very unusual for this route, so he was really testing my tight "town" driving); normally we would just go straight thought he town and a relatively easier drive.

Back to the Walton roundabout and home. No bloody Minors in Stone – at all! – and four Minors and one Serious (hitting the branch) in total. How unlucky is that! I didn’t kerb it, just the branch but the rules are any contact is an immediate fail.

On the final run into the Centre (just as we cross the bridge over the M6 by Stafford Services) I spot our training Rigid coming the other way. This is G with a new trainee who had started in the yard this morning as we were doing our reversing practise. Knowing I had failed I thought "To Hell with protocol" (as learners we don't flash or wave or beckon to anyone) so G and his trainee got a big headlight flash and a wave from me. G stared back in absolute horror!

By the time the Examiner had left the cab it was now 12:00 midday and my co-trainee was on at 1:00pm for his test. So the big panic was to fix the busted mirror. The TM had all the lockers and bunk mattresses up and the air was blue. Because they know this sort of thing happens they carry all sorts of spares like mirrors and light fittings etc. But as he pointed out: "The f*****g fitters know we do so the bastards rob from my training trucks and now I haven't got a spare. They've even pinched my screwdriver".

So with that he phones G (who thankfully isn't far away) and we finally get a spare mirror lens and screwdriver. Luckily, there's a four-foot high wall next to where we are parked in the Centre and we pull the front of the rig over to the wall. The TM climbs on the nearside steps of the cab, onto the top of the front wheel then onto the wall with me holding him. Health-and-Safety would have a hissy fit if they knew and no, we didn't write up a Risk Assessment Plan first!!

The original plan is that my co-trainee would have an hour's drive before his test (and indeed share the drive down from Winsford) but his choice was just to go straight into it. He was very nervous and I tried to help but realised that I wasn't (helping) so shut up.

Come 1:00pm and out they come again and my mate has got a resident Examiner (Keith and rated OK).

Braking test fine then the reverse just goes hopelessly wrong. The TM is stood next to me watching and hoping his form of telepathy will work (over 300 metres) "Get the f****g lock off it NOW! No not that bloody way!! Chase it! Chase it! Oh give me strength!". My poor cab-mate has lost it in fine-style and is wind-milling the steering wheel all over the pad. (You know you are finished if you are doing that). On his fourth shunt the Examiner calls a halt and indicates for him to pull forward to start the trailer drop.

My mate had told me he was so stressed he would just bin it at this point and by 1:10pm he had. The TM and I walked over to the pad, exchange a brief dialog with the Examiner and with that, the TM climbs in the driver's seat, my mate goes middle-seat in the bunk and I climb in the passenger side.

With that we drive for home (in an awkward silence initially) but for me it is a chance to enjoy the wonderful countryside around here and all the things you can see from the M6 at this height above the hedges. Bit-by-bit our companion unwinds and we chat about the stress and nature of what we are trying to do.

Back in the yard for 2:15pm, I jump out of the cab and move the cones (reserving the bay for our trailer). Into the office and both re-book our next re-tests! Groundhog Day again!

I am going into the yard at 11:00am next Friday (27) just to do a couple more reverses then back to the yard for 11:00am Monday 2 March for my third (!) re-test on at 1:00pm.

Just to give you an idea of how bizarre this can be: behind our last test there were a bunch of Iraqi/Pakistani lads in an unmarked artic (i.e. no formal training) and the last I saw was the Examiner I had for my Rigid test getting the first of them to re-position the artic on the initial A and B cone line up. Totally screwed that to start with!

Mind how you go!

Neil

*Groundhog Day (Film) - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groundhog_Day_(film) "Phil Neil wakes up to find that he is reliving February 2 again. Everyone else is repeating the same actions as the day before, seemingly unaware of the time loop, though Phil Neil remains aware of the events of the previous day test".

*Chasing the Dragon – American drug slang.

Artic Day 4 Test Day

I failed. Three Serious faults, four Minors, though somewhat controversially with the strong suggestion from G and his manager that had I had an examiner other than the one I got the result could have been quite different.

I met my instructor in the Training Office at 6:55am and we walked over to the vehicle one more time. At least today the yard wasn't covered in ice and a skating ring as the day before. Still dark with the dawn just showing and the promise of some clear skies today.

Straight up into the cab, stow my gear and I do one more reverse. This is fine, but just not quite straight in the garage so take a small shunt to straighten up then back onto the barrier with a coupe of inches to spare.

With that we are off and now through our familiar route out of Winsford, through Middlewich to the M6 then all the way down past Keele Services to J15 and onto the A519 towards Eccleshall and the Test Centre. This is a very pretty run with the "A" road dipping and winding up and down steep hills through the woods and fields. G is giving me some advanced driving here and I am changing between Low and High 7 and Low 8 as we climb up then run down the hills and valleys and much use of the exhaust brake (when I can find it)!

One more time (good practise) through the hopelessly-tight left hand hairpin junction at Sturbridge and then into the Test Centre gates and I park in the access road to the pad with 15 minutes to spare. Time for a quick trip to the loo and then a walk-around the rig and I talk G through the uncouple-and-re-couple procedures one final time.

By now there are three trucks behind me, also here for their tests and now a little group of instructors has gathered around G (as they all know each other) and are swapping gossip and news. I climb in the cab and get my license ready. Then I see "brass" approaching in the mandatory Motorway hi-viz jackets, white shirt and blue tie. The examiner that took me for my C (Rigid) test is first and to my surprise he walks past us as does the other two whom I vaguely recognise. And then finally mine as he nears my passenger side cab door, G gives me a shrug of the shoulders and eyebrows as if to say "Don't know who he is"!

In he gets and we curtly greet each other and I sign the DL25 Test Report, all pre-headed up with my license details. He explains that he wants me to position in the braking lane but it is awkwardly offset to the right with very little length to get the trailer in straight so that means I have to take a wide sweep to the right with the unit. One of the VOSA* staff cars is parked just where I need to be so I know its going to be tight.

"Mind that car"! the examiner bawls at me. (Thinks) "What? (1) I know it's there and (2) you could get your Gran in a wheelchair through the gap between my trailer and it". So that's a great start!

Braking exercise no problem and then he gets me to stop just at the entrance to the reversing pad and shows me (yet again) a diagram of the pad and what he wants me to do. As if I didn't know. Out he gets and walks up to the start so I swing onto the pad, drive up as close as can get to the "B" cone and stop with the left "A" cone under my nearside mirror bracket.

The sun angle at 9:00am was so low that the wet tarmac on the pad was just a blaze of light and I couldn’t see the cones properly at all. I got too close to the right garage cone, took a shunt forward but didn’t make enough use of it and got the trailer blind-sided. I got that awful lead-stomach feeling knowing I had screwed it but just stopped, took a deep breath, and thought about what I had to do next. I did manage to corrected it but with loads of left and right tractor movement then got it in the garage with one more shunt (two in total so in theory OK). I switched off and got out to check the barrier – about three inches – perfect.

In the way of making conversation I commented that the low sun was making things difficult. "Oh, so you are going to be just a fair-weather truck driver then"? Oh miaow! Sarky sod. That's the last time I talk to you mate.

He then asks me to pull forward to the start of the pad to commence the uncouple-and-re-couple exercise. No problems here. I finally ask him to check the trailer brake lights for me and he asks me to stay in the cab when this is completed. I take my gloves off, climb in the cab, ignition on and dab the brake pedal. I get the thumbs-up from the rear. Then he points to the left and I indicate left and to the right and get a thumbs-up. With that he gets in and I start it up.

"When we go out of here we are turning right. Unless I say otherwise, always follow the road ahead". Me thinks "Good, that's Eccleshall out as a route". I don't like that mini roundabout at the end of the High Street.

I got a very similar route to my Rigid test. Down toward the Walton roundabout and got a "Pull in and park in safe place" on the downhill run into the village. This is to demonstrate "Moving Off on a Downhill Slope". The issue here is driving efficiently and not going through low gears unnecessarily. So it's a rolling start in 5 with a block change to 7.

Then on down the A34 towards Stafford. Up into high 8 and 50 mph (he's not going to do me for Making Progress this time). Then into Stafford from the M6 roundabout at J14 and down to the MacDonald's roundabout, "Follow the signs for Cannock and Uttoxeter". Then to the Asda roundabout and left onto the A518 heading east out of town.

Him: "Turn left at the next roundabout please"

Me: "Understood".

This is into Beaconside past the Hospital. I approach nicely in 6, signal left and drive straight on. But he catches me in time and says "Cancel your left indicator, signal right and go around again". This I did and got the correct exit this time. "Sorry" I said. This is not a fail or indeed a Minor unless you were doing it all the time.

Then right onto the Sandon road (an awkward turn where I need all the road to get around) and on to the Dog and Doublet, left onto the A51 heading north back to the A34 north, then left at the Walton roundabout. I know I am 5 minutes from the Test Centre now and am feeling pretty confident. I knew the reverse was dodgy but I hadn't hit any cones or crossed the yellow boundary lines.

I pulled in on the hill out of the village at Walton (Moving Off on a Hill) and this is so much easier in the DAF with its mighty 12-litre 330BHP diesel. Give it a bit of gas, get the clutch to bite and the cab sits up to attention, throw the park brake off and increase the revs, ease off the clutch and way we go. 3, 4, range-change to 5, 6, 7 and we are away. Up to High 7 on the top of the hill, (pre-select the splitter collar to High, off the gas and dip the clutch and with a satisfying hiss of air the 'box changes up).

Into the tight right-hander over the railway at Norton Bridge (tucked in nicely to the wall now and the trailer just on the double-whites, right at the roundabout and back into the Centre and I pull up behind a rigid waiting to start his test and switch off.

"I'm afraid you have failed" I was staggered! "Do you want your instructor present as I de-brief you"? I didn't know what to do here. "What do you recommend"? I said. "It's up to you" so I thought to Hell with it, do it now and I will recount to G later.

"You weren't in control on the reverse and got badly out of position. Though you didn't touch the cones or lines at one point you curtains were (gesturing with his hands) this far from the pole on the right garage cone" Yes I know they were you pillock, that's why I took a shunt. One Serious.

"On the Asda roundabout you were in too-high a gear and as a result laboured getting around it such that traffic subsequently approaching was held up. Had you changed down a gear we could have been away quicker" What?! That was the text-book way I have been trained to do it. Another Serious.

"And you missed some Follow-Throughs*, particularly with passing trucks on the Sandon Road to the Dog and Doublet". I am staggered! My neck muscles still ache now and I was sure that I hadn't missed any. Another Serious.

I thanked him for his time (just to be as patronising as I could and match his sarcasm) and he says cheerily "Come back and see us again!". Yes, I'm sure mate – keeps you in a bloody job.

Our instructors know whether it's a Pass or Fail from the length of time it takes the examiner to get out of the cab on our return. If it's a Fail, he has already completed the DL25 so all he has to do is de-brief the trainee. If it's a Pass there are more forms to fill in.

G appears up the steps of the cab on my side I and recount the debrief. He is as staggered as I am.

G had found out that my examiner - an unknown to him and most of the instructors – had been brought in from the Nottingham (Watnall) Test Centre as a one-off. All the Test Centres do this based on work-load. One instructor knew him and his nickname is “The Smiling Assassin”. Well that figures, meaning he appears smiley and friendly but marks outrageously tightly. I recounted to G verbatim the debrief my examiner had given me.

To give you an idea, the LGV pass rate at Swynnerton is 45% compared to a national average of 48%. Where my man comes from is 36%!! So that tells you something. And bear in mind the Isle of Wight has something like an 83% pass rate and many places in Scotland with over 60%. So what does that tell you?! In other words I could have driven and reversed exactly as I did and passed at other Test Centres.

Though the DSA do strive to get consistent marking and standards, there is inevitably personal judgement (from the examiners) and unavoidably varying standards.

I explained to G that on the reverse although I didn’t hit a cone or cross a yellow line he did me for “not showing proper control”. Of course I didn’t know this until the end of the test. Both G and later his manager said: “Never had that before”. Meaning that though I hadn’t broken any rules that we are taught, overall I didn’t convince him that I could control this thing. And that is probably a fair comment reversing. The rest of his comments are in my (and my instructor and his manager’s opinion - crap).

Regarding the Serious on the Asda roundabout for being “in too high a gear and labouring” on a clear and large roundabout (driving totally as I had been trained) G's jaw hit the floor. Apart from training new drivers and assessing experienced drivers coming for a job with them, G's role is also to monitor and re-educate employed drivers who are not seen as "fuel-efficient". All their tacho discs/cards are analysed along with their fuel usage and those that are using too much are brought in for some eco-driving education. And this is what G had taught me.

The DAF 85 with a 12-litre engine kicks out so much torque that you can readily spin the tractor wheels, even on a dry road. So as he showed me, it will pull up the side of a house in almost any gear. My guidelines were: pull off in 4 on anything other than a moderate gradient, 3 only on a hill-start. If the wheels are rolling at all (say approaching a roundabout) go in 5 and if we are into an "open" roundabout and moving, go in 6. Which is exactly what I did at Asda and the bastard gave me a Serious for it. Not amused!!

Indeed as G told me, there is a new assessment criteria coming into the test in September 09 for eco-driving. As G said "Maybe he's not up with this yet".

And as for a Serious for not doing “Follow-Throughs” for passing trucks on my mirrors (more than three Minors for the same thing = Serious). What??!! My bloody neck will never be the same again! I followed through on EVERYTHING!

So they are not going to beat me. I have a re-test next Friday at 10:30am and a morning in the yard on Thursday on “How to get out of the shit on a reverse (how to take an effective shunt)” That was my request, not my trainers. I know how to reverse this thing but not how to get out of the shit when it goes wrong.

* VOSA – Vehicle & Operator Services Agency. The people you see pulling in trucks at Checkpoints (but not our Continental friends because the consequences are too hard for them to handle so they go for "soft" law-abiding Brits who they can prosecute easily). The Test Centre also has a big MOT and inspection test bay there for trucks. With lots of cars parked where they shouldn't be!

* Follow-Through – This means that apart from all the other mirror checks we have to do, we have to check almost everything that we pass (to ensure that we have cleared them without problems). This is everything on our nearside such as (especially) pedestrians, cyclists, parked-cars, bin lorries, road works, trucks in lay-bys – well everything! And especially oncoming trucks or buses on single-carriageway roads.